Sometimes I get so confused about the events that occur in my life. It's like one moment I'm in a state of bliss and the next it's utter misery. Life's indeed a roller coaster, minus the safety belts.
I've always considered myself as someone who had "ego issues". So, it's difficult for me to admit my mistakes. (well, I apologise, yes...but to convince myself that I actually did something wrong is another story) But sometimes you just gotta put the ego aside to get what you want.
The past few days have been hell for me. Yes, I smile. (as I always do. I mean how can Theishini not smile, right?) Inside I was a mess. Well, a mess would be playing things down -alot. Thank goodness he was there for me the whole time. Thanks, man. You're my angel.
I've been thinking, a whole lot. And I've come to the conclusion that I'm an amazing friend. (Hahahaha, you guys have no choice but to agree with me alright?) By amazing I mean, I know I'm doing a good job at being someone's friend. However, the trouble starts when things go beyond friendship. It's like I go on auto-shut down. I can't seem to bring myself to be 100% into it. I'm constantly, looking over my shoulder, being paranoid.
You're first is supposed to leave a more "lasting effect", be it your first love or heart break. My first heart break USED to be the reason I held back, but I've come to realise that I'm actually so over it. So, why don't things work anyway?
I guess no matter how bad I want things, I'm just not ready. Or maybe I've just been meeting the wrong people. Whatever the reason is, I'm just so tired. Tired of hoping, tired of expecting, most of all, tired of leaving my heart out to get stabbed. I'm always myself, but I guess, people don't like the real me. They prefer their perception of me compared to who I really am.
Note to you: please don't come just yet. I'm not ready for you. That doesn't mean you don't need to come ok. Come. Just not now. :)
2 comments:
it's not that you're not ready, or that you've met the wrong mr.nice guy. it's just that there are many fishes in the sea. you have yet to meet the world (let's assume you've been in the same place since you were, say, 8?) and when you do, you know what suits you, what kind of people you can get along with and vice versa. it takes time to get to know a person and then feel it. many people i know rush into relatioships after 4/5 months of knowing their so called other half, only later to find out that s/he isn't who they seem to be. remember, only fools rush in. besides, we all perform impression management in the first 4/5 months of meeting each other, always wanting to act in a socially desirable manner so we're liked by others.
i was wrong, once, twice, thrice even! because i rushed. and only time can tell. so why not, instead of breaking your heart again, let time do its work. let nature take its course. for time being, go out and enjoy life with your friends. because life is more than falling in love.
wow, anonymous huh. :P thanks for the interesting sms...sheesh.
no, i havent been in the same place since I was 8. but i get your point.
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