The Bitch is Back

It's been such a long time since I've written anything ! I'm suddenly in the mood to express myself on the world wide web. Not that anyone would actually read this, but the thought of putting myself "out there" is sort of comforting. So I'm 22 now. I'm not liking it so much so far. I've been in a state of numbness. I don't know if numb is the right word, but it's the closest descriptive word I could find that matches the way I feel. I haven't felt this way since I was a teenager.

I hate the girl in the mirror again. Yeah, that bitch is back- the less-confident one, the self-loathing one, the annoying one. I don't understand why she just doesn't leave me alone. It's like anytime I find that my confidence level is increasing, she pops out of nowhere to take it all away. God, I HATE her.

Today she made me feel stupid, ugly, fat and disgusting. How she manages to accomplish ALL that I'll never understand. She made the MIRROR work against me. She makes my mind doubt me, such power. And why I let her have that power is beyond me. She's THAT good that she's got me convinced that no one of the opposite gender should show any form of affection towards me because (and I'm quoting her) "You're not worth it. Who'd want a whale in jeans? Even if you were a whale, you'd be a failed one. You can't even swim properly"

I'm at my breaking point AGAIN. I NEED to get over this bitch's constant nagging because she's just not good for me. I've been fighting her for years, and it's clear I've been losing the battles. I just can't afford to lose the damn WAR. I've got too much at stake.

Kid Rock feat Sheryl Crow

I thought about you for a long time
Can't seem to get you off my mind
I can't understand why we're living life this way
I found your picture today
I swear I'll change my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home
I found your picture today
I swear I'd changed my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home
I just called to say I love you come back home

They played this song in San Francisco Steak House just now. I forgot about it till today. =) This is my favourite verse, btw.

One Eighty

I suddenly have the urge to blog. Maybe I'm catching Zara's bug? :P
I just found out that there's no hurry in handing in my physics report. I'm effing relieved I tell you. Yet, the urge to bust my butt for exams have left me. I'm sick and tired and all I want to do is spend time with my nephew.

Yes, I'm a 20 year old who would rather spend time with her 2 year old nephew than club or "hang". My parents managed one helluva "one-eighty" on my personality eh?

I'm such a different person as compared to when I was in high school. I was crazy over cute boys, for one. Arjun Rampal, John Abraham, Rafi (yum yum yum)...you name it. I was very naive, too. I expected too much of others. Now I'm a little more cautious I suppose.
Form 6, as much as I hate to admit it, offered the best friends I could ever ask for.
Paul Yugendra, Kartigeyan Ganasarajah and Tharuman Gnanamoorthy. They were the only highlight of my two years there. Those two years brought Sara and I way closer than ever, too. I love her to bits. And I miss her. (COME BACCCK ALREADY!)

I've met some amazing people now that I'm in INTI, too. Firstly, ALISTAIR TEO of course! He's one of the nicest people I've known. Despite his eccentricity. Hahaha.
And there's Veg. He's bloody good looking but a lil vertically challenged. I still don't get why he's single. If I weren't so vertically "successful", I'd date him like that *snaps fingers*
Lim Qian is the first girl I've gotten close to since I was 17. She's super fun and super pretty. Me likes her lots. Well, there's a whole group of whackos (in a good way) that I've gotten to know and they're making it very difficult for me to regret my time in INTI. :)
There's Yang... he likes bubblegum pop music. There's Di who's a major heartthrob. Of course there's Gopi with his pHD in ---. Hmmm... Zara, who swears like an overflowing tap (in a good way!) and the ever disappearing (and reappearing) Eva.

I guess I should count my lucky stars. Even if I've lost a couple of months from my life. I think the awesome people I'm surrounded with compensates for it. Sigh.

I should go study now. But I don't want to.


I miss you Sara. Come back soon.

Oxymoron

in utter clarity, my mind is confused,
when it's right to accept, my heart will refuse,
in shallow waters, my soul drowns,
when life shines, i begin to frown,
in sheer brightness, i only see dark,
in total freedom, i feel completely stuck,
when it's time to be happy, my tears fall,
when it's time to get going, my body begins to stall

oh why do i make things so complicated
why do i do this to myself?

i've been broken and twisted
and stepped on; defeated
i've been torn up and beaten
and picked on; i'm bleeding
i'm so overwhelmed
i've got nothing to fall on
this is what i've become;
an oxymoron

in simplicity i see complication
in cleanliness i see corruption
when it's time to welcome, i say goodbye
when it's time to leap, i never aim high
in innocence i see stains
in calmness i feel pain
when it's time to walk ahead, i turn around
when it's time to speak up, i never make a sound

oh why do i make things so difficult?
why do i do this to myself?

i've been broken and twisted
and stepped on; defeated
i've been torn up and beaten
and picked on; i'm bleeding
i'm so overwhelmed
i've got nothing to fall on
this is what i've become;
an oxymoron

arrogance in humility
darkness in light
wrinkles in youth
lies in the truth

i've got nothing to fall on
i'm an oxymoron

GRARRARARARARARARARRR

I haven't blogged in ages. I don't think I have the inspiration anymore. *gasps*
All my friends are leaving. I'm gonna be all alone. NOOOOO!
Okay, done freaking out.

Today, I'm going out with Anita. Possibly our last hang out in like 9 months. I actually can't wait to lepak. It's been quite a week. My mum's in UK (United Kingdom, ar) and I'm pretty much cleaning the house. Well, to the best of my ability at least. To add to THAT... I may have classes till 9pm tonight. Like wtf right?
Why oh why did I fall sick last year? Why oh why????! I could be in UNI already. Pffffffffttttttt.

I have a quiz in like an hour and half from now. And I haven't a clue what's coming out. RAAAARRRRR. Maybe I'm doomed to work for the Town Council...as a freaking sweeper.

But then again, I do wash plates pretty well. So there's the restaurant business too.



*collapses*

Of bindhis and pottus

I may know how to do a lot of things (like speed at 150 km/hr with a teeny weenie Proton Saga) but I doubt I'll ever master the art of shaving my legs. Yes, the hair follicles on my legs are indeed quite active. I am Indian after all (a blessing and a curse). I've used countless shavers, from Gillete Venus which costs a bomb to the Schick (I think that's how you spell it), and yet I get nicks all over! It's not so much the blood that bothers me, but the nagging slightly burning sensation afterward is really really annoying!


Here's a fun fact : Apparently, even though hair is made up of the structural protein called keratin *if I'm not mistaken* in most mammals... There's a difference when it comes to gender and RACE!

Conversation with my guy pals:

And I quote "On guys it's okay lah... I mean the hair is different lah when it's on girls"

I watched my guy pals thrash some (Chinese) girls for having too much hair! (It seems it's rare for them to have any hair at all)

And I for one was offended! *I was focusing on the being a girl part*

"I'm sorry I'm a furball" I said to them.

And they turned to me and said,

"No, you're okay. You're Indian."

Looking Up at You

Sometimes I don't understand you,
or the unimaginable things you put me through
Sometimes you make me want to stand up and shout
because I can't comprehend what your plan is about

Sometimes you just anger me so
I feel I've reached a dead end; no where to go
Sometimes my tears flow like the Thames
For you had me believing that my hopes have gone up in flames

Sometimes I don't even like you
because you didn't make my dreams come true
Sometimes I even question my faith
but then I realise, you're my only escape

I do believe that you know whats best
But its so hard when you're behind the rest
Sometimes I just want to scream at you
But then I realise, the whole reason I'm me, is because of you.

EM vs M

Okay, so we've all heard Mariah Carey's new single "Obsessed". I mean, how can you not, right? It's all over the radio. It's a really nice song and all, but I honestly think that woman is a little whacked! She married Nick Cannon. He's like a CHILD. And super unsuccessful (in comparison to her of course). Wait, I only remember him for ALL THAT (a Nickelodeon show back in the day) and some lame movie called Drumline. He is JUST unsuccessful. Okay, I'm going a little off track here. So, Mariah apparently wrote the song to spite Eminem (real smart, eh?)but she's denying the song has anything to do with him. I can't seem to feature the video to the song but I do have the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhsiT3CQc2c

Here's the sound clip though:




Eminem gave her a reply. I heard it and I'm like... why even bother attacking Eminem? He's not afraid to say anything!! Aiyo!