The Open Window Into the Twisted Mind of Sashillia

The Bitch is Back

2011-04-27T01:26:00.003+08:00

It's been such a long time since I've written anything ! I'm suddenly in the mood to express myself on the world wide web. Not that anyone would actually read this, but the thought of putting myself "out there" is sort of comforting. So I'm 22 now. I'm not liking it so much so far. I've been in a state of numbness. I don't know if numb is the right word, but it's the closest descriptive word I could find that matches the way I feel. I haven't felt this way since I was a teenager.

I hate the girl in the mirror again. Yeah, that bitch is back- the less-confident one, the self-loathing one, the annoying one. I don't understand why she just doesn't leave me alone. It's like anytime I find that my confidence level is increasing, she pops out of nowhere to take it all away. God, I HATE her.

Today she made me feel stupid, ugly, fat and disgusting. How she manages to accomplish ALL that I'll never understand. She made the MIRROR work against me. She makes my mind doubt me, such power. And why I let her have that power is beyond me. She's THAT good that she's got me convinced that no one of the opposite gender should show any form of affection towards me because (and I'm quoting her) "You're not worth it. Who'd want a whale in jeans? Even if you were a whale, you'd be a failed one. You can't even swim properly"

I'm at my breaking point AGAIN. I NEED to get over this bitch's constant nagging because she's just not good for me. I've been fighting her for years, and it's clear I've been losing the battles. I just can't afford to lose the damn WAR. I've got too much at stake.

Kid Rock feat Sheryl Crow

2010-09-30T23:55:00.002+08:00

I thought about you for a long time
Can't seem to get you off my mind
I can't understand why we're living life this way
I found your picture today
I swear I'll change my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home
I found your picture today
I swear I'd changed my ways
I just called to say I want you to come back home
I just called to say I love you come back home

They played this song in San Francisco Steak House just now. I forgot about it till today. =) This is my favourite verse, btw.

One Eighty

2009-09-24T10:29:00.003+08:00

I suddenly have the urge to blog. Maybe I'm catching Zara's bug? :P
I just found out that there's no hurry in handing in my physics report. I'm effing relieved I tell you. Yet, the urge to bust my butt for exams have left me. I'm sick and tired and all I want to do is spend time with my nephew.

Yes, I'm a 20 year old who would rather spend time with her 2 year old nephew than club or "hang". My parents managed one helluva "one-eighty" on my personality eh?

I'm such a different person as compared to when I was in high school. I was crazy over cute boys, for one. Arjun Rampal, John Abraham, Rafi (yum yum yum)...you name it. I was very naive, too. I expected too much of others. Now I'm a little more cautious I suppose.
Form 6, as much as I hate to admit it, offered the best friends I could ever ask for.
Paul Yugendra, Kartigeyan Ganasarajah and Tharuman Gnanamoorthy. They were the only highlight of my two years there. Those two years brought Sara and I way closer than ever, too. I love her to bits. And I miss her. (COME BACCCK ALREADY!)

I've met some amazing people now that I'm in INTI, too. Firstly, ALISTAIR TEO of course! He's one of the nicest people I've known. Despite his eccentricity. Hahaha.
And there's Veg. He's bloody good looking but a lil vertically challenged. I still don't get why he's single. If I weren't so vertically "successful", I'd date him like that *snaps fingers*
Lim Qian is the first girl I've gotten close to since I was 17. She's super fun and super pretty. Me likes her lots. Well, there's a whole group of whackos (in a good way) that I've gotten to know and they're making it very difficult for me to regret my time in INTI. :)
There's Yang... he likes bubblegum pop music. There's Di who's a major heartthrob. Of course there's Gopi with his pHD in ---. Hmmm... Zara, who swears like an overflowing tap (in a good way!) and the ever disappearing (and reappearing) Eva.

I guess I should count my lucky stars. Even if I've lost a couple of months from my life. I think the awesome people I'm surrounded with compensates for it. Sigh.

I should go study now. But I don't want to.

I miss you Sara. Come back soon.

Oxymoron

2009-09-23T00:04:00.003+08:00

in utter clarity, my mind is confused,
when it's right to accept, my heart will refuse,
in shallow waters, my soul drowns,
when life shines, i begin to frown,
in sheer brightness, i only see dark,
in total freedom, i feel completely stuck,
when it's time to be happy, my tears fall,
when it's time to get going, my body begins to stall

oh why do i make things so complicated
why do i do this to myself?

i've been broken and twisted
and stepped on; defeated
i've been torn up and beaten
and picked on; i'm bleeding
i'm so overwhelmed
i've got nothing to fall on
this is what i've become;
an oxymoron

in simplicity i see complication
in cleanliness i see corruption
when it's time to welcome, i say goodbye
when it's time to leap, i never aim high
in innocence i see stains
in calmness i feel pain
when it's time to walk ahead, i turn around
when it's time to speak up, i never make a sound

oh why do i make things so difficult?
why do i do this to myself?

i've been broken and twisted
and stepped on; defeated
i've been torn up and beaten
and picked on; i'm bleeding
i'm so overwhelmed
i've got nothing to fall on
this is what i've become;
an oxymoron

arrogance in humility
darkness in light
wrinkles in youth
lies in the truth

i've got nothing to fall on
i'm an oxymoron

GRARRARARARARARARARRR

2009-09-17T11:59:00.001+08:00

I haven't blogged in ages. I don't think I have the inspiration anymore. *gasps*
All my friends are leaving. I'm gonna be all alone. NOOOOO!
Okay, done freaking out.

Today, I'm going out with Anita. Possibly our last hang out in like 9 months. I actually can't wait to lepak. It's been quite a week. My mum's in UK (United Kingdom, ar) and I'm pretty much cleaning the house. Well, to the best of my ability at least. To add to THAT... I may have classes till 9pm tonight. Like wtf right?
Why oh why did I fall sick last year? Why oh why????! I could be in UNI already. Pffffffffttttttt.

I have a quiz in like an hour and half from now. And I haven't a clue what's coming out. RAAAARRRRR. Maybe I'm doomed to work for the Town Council...as a freaking sweeper.

But then again, I do wash plates pretty well. So there's the restaurant business too.

*collapses*

Of bindhis and pottus

2009-08-16T09:41:00.007+08:00

I may know how to do a lot of things (like speed at 150 km/hr with a teeny weenie Proton Saga) but I doubt I'll ever master the art of shaving my legs. Yes, the hair follicles on my legs are indeed quite active. I am Indian after all (a blessing and a curse). I've used countless shavers, from Gillete Venus which costs a bomb to the Schick (I think that's how you spell it), and yet I get nicks all over! It's not so much the blood that bothers me, but the nagging slightly burning sensation afterward is really really annoying!

Here's a fun fact : Apparently, even though hair is made up of the structural protein called keratin *if I'm not mistaken* in most mammals... There's a difference when it comes to gender and RACE!

Conversation with my guy pals:

And I quote "On guys it's okay lah... I mean the hair is different lah when it's on girls"

I watched my guy pals thrash some (Chinese) girls for having too much hair! (It seems it's rare for them to have any hair at all)

And I for one was offended! *I was focusing on the being a girl part*

"I'm sorry I'm a furball" I said to them.

And they turned to me and said,

"No, you're okay. You're Indian."

Looking Up at You

2009-08-10T20:22:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I don't understand you,
or the unimaginable things you put me through
Sometimes you make me want to stand up and shout
because I can't comprehend what your plan is about

Sometimes you just anger me so
I feel I've reached a dead end; no where to go
Sometimes my tears flow like the Thames
For you had me believing that my hopes have gone up in flames

Sometimes I don't even like you
because you didn't make my dreams come true
Sometimes I even question my faith
but then I realise, you're my only escape

I do believe that you know whats best
But its so hard when you're behind the rest
Sometimes I just want to scream at you
But then I realise, the whole reason I'm me, is because of you.

EM vs M

2009-08-01T20:00:00.003+08:00

Okay, so we've all heard Mariah Carey's new single "Obsessed". I mean, how can you not, right? It's all over the radio. It's a really nice song and all, but I honestly think that woman is a little whacked! She married Nick Cannon. He's like a CHILD. And super unsuccessful (in comparison to her of course). Wait, I only remember him for ALL THAT (a Nickelodeon show back in the day) and some lame movie called Drumline. He is JUST unsuccessful. Okay, I'm going a little off track here. So, Mariah apparently wrote the song to spite Eminem (real smart, eh?)but she's denying the song has anything to do with him. I can't seem to feature the video to the song but I do have the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhsiT3CQc2c

Here's the sound clip though:

Eminem gave her a reply. I heard it and I'm like... why even bother attacking Eminem? He's not afraid to say anything!! Aiyo!

R.I.P MJ

2009-07-04T20:37:00.001+08:00

Ay ay ay ay...Should've Never Looked At Me That Way

2009-06-30T23:19:00.005+08:00

The world is so unfair
I'll tell you why
People pretend to be there
Though its such a lie
They smile to your face
And curse in their mind
They make you think you're ahead
When you're lagging behind
They shake your hand
And give you hugs
They tell you you're a friend
They'll even give you "You're Special" mugs
They pull you down
When you want to go up
They make you frown
And believe you've f**ked up
It's hard to ignore
The harshness of it all
It's a waste to cry your eyes sore
Cause in your court there's never a ball
They question your character
They make you doubt yourself
They amplify every small matter
Only to please themselves
You have no value to them
They'll sell you for a buck
They truly don't give a damn
Even your boyfriend they'll f**k
So what do you do
When your tangled within
the webs of deception
You just relax and breathe in
For morons exist
A fact to remember
To get upset and pissed
is not worth a single dollar
Though you remember
That dumbf**ks reside
Don't ever forget
the bitch inside
For she can come out
Whenever u please
And f**k the world inside out
to set you free

Bootsy

2009-06-23T20:12:00.003+08:00

I'm a train wreck in the morning
I'm a bitch in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you

I'm a puzzle yes indeed
Ever complex in every way
And all the pieces aren't even in the box
And yet, you see the picture clear as day

I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
And that's why I love you
And that's why I love you
And that's why I love you

I neglect you when I'm working
When I need attention I tend to nag
I'm a host of imperfection
And you see past all that

I'm a peasant by some standards
But in your eyes I'm a queen
You see potential in all my flaws
And that's exactly what I need

I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
And that's why I love you
And that's why I love you
And that's why I love you

Beyonce Knowles- Flaws and All

2009-06-17T12:21:00.001+08:00

I HATE MY LIFE.

Love this song! :)

2009-05-22T19:44:00.000+08:00

It's ALL in the MIND

2009-05-09T13:36:00.004+08:00

I love to blog. It's just that sometimes I don't know what to say. Or I have SO much to say, that I can filter the "appropriate" thoughts into words. So right now, I'm not going to filter or even think twice about what I'm going to type okay? I'm just going to type and type until I run out of things to type about.
I really want to have a banana split from A&W but I shouldn't. I'm trying to lose like 20 million kilos and be hot for once in my life. It's killing me btw, the whole weight issue. I don't care if Bootsy thinks I'm pretty. I wanna think I'm pretty. And I've NEVER felt that way EVER. Except once, when I was like 6 for the school concert. Hello, that time I memang pretty k. My hair was all lurus and I was sooooo putih and thin. Erhghhh...
Just now, Kelvesh and I went to buy a present for his friend. That boy right, as in Kelvesh... damn handsome already lah. Like a big man only walking around with his specs. I felt so old. And ugly. EEEEEE. I hate papayas. They're so icky and soft and they just scream "un-constipation" when you look at them. Plus the seeds look like little insect heads all kumpul-ed together. SO GROSS man.
I love rainbow Paddlepop ice-cream. SO so syok. They sell it at college and I LOVEEE it. So so yum. WOw, I do think a lot about ice-cream don't I? And I complain about weight. Geez. Oh ya, i hate the fact that I have big feet. It's like not enough lah I'm like wayyy taller than most HOTTIE guys, now, my feet also like same size as most guys. OH MY GOD lah! I just wanna move away to a place where my feet is like a size 7.
Physics is like the weirdest subject ever. But I so love it. I hated it in Form 5 coz I never understood shit. But now, oooo...damn fascinating mannn. My hands are getting so tired form all this typing. And my neurons and ganglions and dendrites and axons are all getting tired from converting my thoughts to words. What else? I think Heidi is so dumb for marrying that stupid dude, Spencer. I'm talking about The Hills btw. She damn hot. He damn not. Ah, but that always happens innit.
Oh ya, did you know that the guy I'm into is such a hot commodity? My ex-bestie gaduh with me for him. Then her new bestie gaduh with me for him. Then another creepy weirdo who heads a government also gaduh...but that girl just gaduh for fun. She thinks she Ong Bak when actually, when she walks, only got OMBAK. (OMG! SO LAME!) Ya man, so many people like benci me coz I was being myself. That means something wrong with me huh? *SHIT!!!!*
Somebody nudged me on MSN now I lost track of everything. My hands are so tired from all this continuous typing. I love blogging lah. It's so rewarding. Tharuman thinks that UBER is his but it actually belongs to Ozzy Osbourne's son, coz he uses it a lot. I miss Tharuman. It was so nice having him sit next to me in class. Sometimes damn creepy coz he'll manja near me. But he soooo cuutttteeee. I hate Paul. He sucks. EEEEEEE.
Okay lah damn tired already. My tangan cannot keep up with my otak already. TATA!

Diction-uber-nary

2009-05-09T03:12:00.003+08:00

UBER is a flexible word, almost as flexible as the term FUCK.

UBER
Definition: To be awesome beyond compare.
A state of utter coolness

Used in a sentence : The MAN is not uber. (meaning the MAN is uncool)

UBERIFICATION
Definition: The process of making something or someone UBER, i.e. awesome beyond compare.
To convert something or someone to a state of utter coolness.

Used in a sentence : Since the MAN was not uber, he underwent uberification.

UBERNESS
Definition : The state of being uber (refer to definition of uber)

Used in a sentence: The MAN could not comprehend the feeling of uberness.

DEUBERFY
Definition : To undo someone or something's state of being uber.

Used in a sentence : I cannot believe she just deuberfied herself like that.

UNUBER
Definition : Not uber.

Used in a sentence : After many failed attempts, the MAN was forced to accept that he was unuber.

DEUBERIFICATION
Definition : The process of reversing one's state of being uber.

Used in a sentence : She was confident she will not undergo deuberification becuase she was uber beyond compare.

********************to be updated***********************

Beaming with Pride. :)

2009-04-30T22:56:00.002+08:00

My brother grew up, became the lead actor for St. Paul's Drama Team, and looked like Dan Scott. (One Tree Hill)

He played the role of a screwed up father, fyi. PROUD SISTER, I am. :P

Listen

2009-04-30T22:35:00.003+08:00

It's been quite awhile since my last post. I seem to have so little to speak about, even if so much has happened. I'm currently listening to Beyonce's Listen. Her voice- magnificent.

On a different note, a little something for my best friend. With much love. <3

He looks at me,
He works up a smile,
It doesn't take much to see
That his eyes try to hide a lie.

He's broken inside,
Shards of broken pieces on the floor
I know he's trying his hardest to fight
But the harder he tries, it hurts so much more.

I don't know if he cries,
If he does, I wish I could wipe away his tears,
I don't know how to make it alright,
If I did, I'd take away all his fears.

I've seen his heart, you've seen it too,
He's often blinded, but his beauty is raw.
I hope he'll come out of this someone better, someone new.
But I know he'll never love with a heart this pure.

Under the Radar

2009-04-04T22:46:00.008+08:00

There's so much to be done. The road to my dreams seems so long and bumpy and reaching my destination is not a certainty. I don't know if the bumps are actually mountains, from a distant view. I don't know if I have the energy to climb them when I do get closer. All that I'm certain of is that I don't want to give up. I can't give up. There's so much to be done.
I read a book yesterday. It was a few pages out of a book to be precise. The title of the book is "Making Violence Sexy- Feminist Views on Pornography". I know.
The chapter on Surviving Pornography really moved me. It told the story of a young girl, aged 13 who ran away from home and found herself stuck in a ring of illegal activities, i.e, prostitution...porno...you get the picture. The violence and brutality she had to endure brought me to tears. How can human beings inflict such horrors onto another human being? It just baffles me! I am tearing as I write this...I couldn't imagine any of my loved ones going through what she did. It was terrifying.
Some of the victims of sex trafficking and crimes are so incredibly young, you'd be shocked! Even four year olds can generate an income for pimps in the prostitution business. Men are willing to pay astonishing sums of money for to sleep with a virgin, regardless their age. Don't they know that that is someones daughter, sister, grandchild they are abusing? Is their twisted lust too strong to overcome?
I always knew I wanted to work with children. Now I know that I don't just want to work with them, I want to protect them. It's clear that greed and lust have impaired feeling of compassion and love for another human being. I want to play a part in restoring the lost love and compassion. I want to play a part in these children's welfare.
So, as much as I've felt like giving up, I just can't. I choose not to. Even if there's two mountains stacked one on top of the other, I'll climb it- if that's what it takes to make a difference. <3

Line In the Sand?

2009-03-05T00:15:00.005+08:00

It was a lazy Wednesday afternoon. I actually have the luxury of calling it a lazy Wednesday because I'm on holiday! I picked up the remote and flipped through channels on the idiot box. After channel surfing for about 5 minutes, I finally settled on the Hallmark Channel. A movie called "She's Too Young" was playing. I had already seen this particular feature before, but I decided to watch it again anyway.
The movie is basically about fourteen year old girls doing a lot more than leaping out of the "Tween Phase" in life. These girls have done more than most women do in their lifetime. Some had at least 20 different sex partners while others were engaging in oral sex- in school, at the mall...practically everywhere. The sad truth is, this phenomenon is not limited to the States and other western countries. It's happening right under our noses too. Brings chills doesn't it?
The question is, what are the boundaries? Most parent's can't really be blamed because if they do set too many rules, their teenagers tend to rebel. If they allow too much freedom, it doesn't help either. Tighter rules may help to temporarily solve the problem, but what about when these teenagers move on to college and university? Your moral compass- i.e. your parents will not be there to monitor you any longer. How do you stay on track?
In the movie, the girls were engaging in such activities in order to get dates. They weren't exactly in love with their partners. They did it to gain popularity. To be the "it" girl.
What do you do when you are in love with the boy? People do a lot of outrageous things when they are in love. It's difficult to make out the limits and boundaries. The line becomes a blur. How do you know you are doing the right thing? Your judgement is clouded by feelings of affection and in most cases, lust. Even the most sensible of the lot tend to make rash and impulsive decisions. How can something that feels so right be wrong, eh?
Teenagers or young people of today have very different values than the young people of yesteryear's. Most lead a double life. They portray the image of innocence in front of their families and live a life with no boundaries when they are away. You'd think that there would at least be an ounce of guilt in these people, but from the looks of it, they seem comfortable with the arrangement.
Betraying your parents is the worst thing a child could ever do, in my opinion. I don't deny that I have not done my fair share of nonsense behind my parent's back. However, this is a much bigger scenario than the tiny ruckuses I've caused. So how do you honour your family's good name and not give in to the twisted way of life we are all now apart of? Not all of us are that strong.

Help.

Lost and Insecure...

2009-03-03T00:25:00.002+08:00

Why cant you do it?
Why can't you make it?
You were the best. What about now?
Why are you standing here? So weak...so vulnerable.
What happened to you?

You were so sure your heart is clear.
How could you let them take that from you?
How could you doubt yourself?

When will you find yourself again?
When?
When will you get your break? When is your turn to shine?
When will your dreams come true?
Stand up and leap.
Stop hesitating. You know you're worth it.

Swishhhhh

2009-03-02T18:56:00.005+08:00

I was having a conversation with Mr. Jerald Joseph in the makan area at the La Salle centre Ipoh, about my blog (recognition much!)

Me: I don't allow comments on my blog anymore.

J: Why?

Me: People put some mean comments there.

J: So you're scared of the comments lah. One way kind of person.

Me : *stuck*

Since MR. Jerald is actually uber awesome. (no sarcasm tau...) I'll allow comments again.

*****************************

My brother showed me a video on Youtube, yesterday. It was that Malaysian Rapper Caprice's new video. There happened to be a phone number there, so I dialled. A chinese sounding man picked up the call. I freaked out, and cut the line. About 5 minutes later, the dude calls me back.

Me: Hello

Dude: Hello, who's this?

Me: Who's this?

Dude: Caprice.

*Theishini Sashillia's confused and shocked at the same time.*

VERY THE INTERESTING WEEKEND.

Damn.

2009-02-22T16:10:00.004+08:00

I've been going through blogs today. This is something new to me. Call me "poyo", but I usually don't read other people's material, unless they're my friends' posts. I basically sign in to Blogger, blog and leave. I don't really give a thought if people read my posts or not. I don't even allow comments... (that shows how much I care if you do read my stuff, eh?)

So anyway, back to the point, I've read a couple of blogs today... and it sorta hit me that the "in" thing with girls these days is being RANDOM. Everyone's "random". My blog is random. Her blog is random. So is hers. And hers. And hers. I'm pretty sure these girls have "random" personalities too!

Since EVERYBODY is "random", doesn't that make us all the same? Somewhat "in order"? I've been this way all my life. Bitches hate me BECAUSE I am. Help. I blend into society.

Just when I thought I was different. Boo. Hoo.

Aaj

2009-02-22T01:23:00.002+08:00

The events of today...

Woke up at 12 p.m. (note that I went to bed at 5 a.m.)
My mother made the most kick-ass crab in the world. I can still taste it.
I continued revamping my blog- it's super fun.
I thought about Sara. I miss her.
Fed baby Oreo grapes. I know I shouldn't. But she was watching me eat with those puppy dog eyes...
My mother accused me of cutting her pants. Apparently I'm "capable" of such things. :P
I sent my brother to church. I AM HINDU. Go figure.
I nearly met with an accident outside the church and gudwara temple. I AM HINDU. Go figure yet again.
Got home, listened to Beyonce's Halo. Confusion in love. Whats new? Eh.
Dressed for Chow's party.
Chow so LALA. But he lies really well.
Karthik's so gullible.
Paul's car couldn't start. He was so frustrated. I tried to calm him down by asking him to look at the stars. I think it worked.
Chow had to send me home.
I cam-whored with my brother's clothes. I can pass off as a guy. Geez.
I talked to Paul again. He seems better.
Here I am.
Once again.
Almost there.
Done.

Effervescence.

2009-02-21T14:55:00.014+08:00

Thought bubbles & MySpace Layouts at pYzam.com

For Tharuman and Paul - My saviours. =)

2009-02-21T04:42:00.003+08:00

So many things have been going wrong,
So many things I've had to let go of,
So many mistakes I've finally corrected,
And yet I'm still so deeply affected

I wish I spoke up sooner,
But I know I did it finally because of you,
You're the only ones who put me first,
When everyone else didn't want the bubble to burst

You make me feel like I'm worth it,
You make me feel like I'm not second best,
You stood up for me in so many ways,
I love and trust you, no matter what anyone says

I believe lies too easily,
And you helped me see the truth,
I can't imagine my life if you didn't walk in,
I'd still be drowning in their pools of sin

I always thought there was something in me,
Something awful, something worthless,
You never saw that, now I know,
You brought me miracles in a time without any glow

So much has happened in the past two years,
So much has made me a stronger person today,
You gave me the strength in a time I could not cope,
You gave me love, you gave me trust, you gave me hope.

Thank you for believing in me and just loving me for no particular reason. I love you both!

Eh?

2009-02-21T04:35:00.002+08:00

Well I've noticed that there's silent clan-ish rule which is somewhat like " IF you mess with my friend, you mess with me". It's very common amongst girls(I've noticed), but not my group of girl buddies. NO WAY. They're all fair and objective and shit. As much as I do love them, they're still all fair and objective and shit. Erghh.
Oh, and when you nip the problem in the bud..all the ather subsidiary issues don't seem to matter anymore. RELIEVED much.

Peace! xoxo

Halo

2009-02-21T01:57:00.002+08:00

Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had, you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light

I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
The risk that I'm takin'
I'm never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Halo, halo

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

-HALO by BEYONCE KNOWLES-

Dear Sara

2009-02-14T04:12:00.004+08:00

Dear Best Friend,

You are leaving really soon, I know it isn't forever. This is the beginning of new chapters in all our lives. It's really difficult, yet it's so exciting at the same time. My eyes tear up when the thought of you being so far away comes to my mind. As quickly as they come, the tears dry up and I smile because you're going to have the time of your life.

You've come such a long way and I've never actually told you how much I admire and respect you. The weight-loss, the kindness of your heart and your intelligence. You're the kindest person I know and sometimes, it's so intimidating because I feel like a total demon next to you! I've never heard you say anything bad about anyone. (except one, but that's out of love for me!) For the record, you are so not going to hell...Paul is, but you are definitely heaven material lah.

My heart is aching a little already and I'm not even halfway done. Here's some advice about hooking up with anyone once you're there. (It's not like I'm a Pro...but I understand the confidence and trust issues)
Try to let them in, but not completely. Stay friends and slowly go from there. If you're looking for a fling...then go right in...but the heartache is still there, even if there were no real feelings.
You are one of the most beautiful people I know. Your hidung very cantik already lah by the way. And your figure...fuh la mak...Aussie boys are gonna drop dead for you!

I love all the hangouts in Roys, Jusco and everywhere else in Seremban and I'll be waiting till December when we do that again. (if I'm not in India! lol!) I love your sarcastic remarks which only I get and Paul doesn't. We're a good team when it comes to making Paul look like an even bigger mangkuk than he already is. We were a lil mean to darling Anita in school though sometimes...cause she was kind of blur...but "It's a burden being beautiful" :P Anita was definitely the highlight of high school. Love her to bits!
Do you remember how you cried beacuse you had a little panic attack about prom? Hahahaah! Ooh, and the McDonald's cashier impression! "nak cili atau tomato?" I still have the video!!

One word. "syok".

hahahahaahahaha!

I still think we should have been sisters, but this is good enough...but I'm just saying, if the Aussie boy thing doesn't work out, you've got plan B. Airline industry!! hahahaha! Maybe the sister thing could work out afterall!

I didn't get you a parting gift because it feels like too much of a goodbye if I gave you a gift. So, I'm not going to. I'll just tunggu till the next hangout and we'll have so much fun again, just like we did today. I still can't believe Paul only noticed you when you shrunk! He's such a guy, but a total sweetheart too... *wink wink*

Thank you much for being my friend first, and for giving me a second chance (even if you ter-percaya certain fitnah...). Because of that, I found a best friend in you. I love you so much Sara Lee de Menezes and I know you'll make an excellent doctor. My tears are rolling now...so I think I should end the letter thinga-ma-jiggy here. You're the best-est friend I could ever hope for and I know you'll be there always, as I always will for you.

*bear hug*

Your best friend,
Theishini Sashillia

Just go!!

2009-02-14T04:04:00.002+08:00

I've been struggling over the past couple of years, mourning...seems to be the appropriate word...the loss of a friend. Sadly, she didn't die, but our friendship did. I was angry, bitter, annoyed, revengeful, hurt, sad *you get the point* but yet I couldn't seem to recover. I don't think I have until today.
But right now, I'm telling you, because I know you'll read this. Please leave me the f*** alone. Leave my friends alone too. They oblige your comments because THEY are nice people, not because you're "awesome". Be a silent watcher. That would be so much easier. Respond to the people who actually give a shit about you, because a number of us don't.
I'm begging you... I don't want anything to do with you. Please stay away from me, and the people whom I care about and care about me.

Oh Put a Sock In It!

2009-01-27T17:46:00.003+08:00

I just came across a note on Facebook a couple of seconds ago. The author stated the so-called truth about how the male mind works. Everything listed in the note was somewhat true, but I couldn't quite wrap my mind around one thing.
"Guys don't care about a girl's height, but they do about her weight" A statement which is indeed true for MOST boys. (Emphasis : Boys)

BOYS like girls who are thin. THIN. She can be a total idiot or have a face identical to that of a plate, but if she is thin, boys will run in her direction. (True words from a victim of this circumstance, for being the opposite of what boys want)

Boys treat girls who aren't thin like they have some sort of a disease, or a defect.

She shouldn't have a sense of humour - SHE'S FAT BY SOCIETY'S STANDARDS
She shouldn't be allowed to have an opinion - SHE'S FAT BY SOCIETY'S STANDARDS
She should just sit in the corner and be quiet - HELLO, SHE'S FAT BY SOCIETY'S STANDARDS

I do not know when this mindset will change, I know it probably will never... but stop being so cruel. Especially, when you know you lack intelligence and you know you're overloaded with pigmentation. Some boys disgust me. *blek*

So I'm a Whiner...

2009-01-22T22:27:00.002+08:00

I got a complaint today from an exteremely mature and independent member of the flying industry that I should stop "whining about my life".
It is apparent that I whine to this particular person ALL the time. So much so that he is SO FRUSTRATED that he can't take it any longer.
He is an amazing person in every way, he could put Mother Theresa to shame, with his kindness and understanding. I don't know what I'd do without him! Therefore, I shall not whine about anything to HIM anymore. I HAVE to spare him the misery!
I love to blog, even if it's sometimes to offend. But this time, HELL NO am I typing out my thoughts for revenge. I'm doing nothing of that sort! I'm just acknowledging the wonderful people who bring nothing BUT blessings in my life.

Thank you all so much! Especially YOU, MR.Man...You rock dude. *wink and high five!*

Britney Spears MEGAMIX

2009-01-22T15:40:00.000+08:00

21

2009-01-21T20:02:00.002+08:00

It's unbelievably immature how boys can be. Statistically, i.e the digits on their Identification Cards, may indicate they are adults ready to vote but... oh boy, the country should reconsider allowing EVERYONE to be adults at the age of 21!

Incident : BRAWL OVER A BALL.

JAN 20th, Seremban- A group of young people, mostly male, were involved a vigourous activity involving a ball. The activity turned from friendly to heated over time, erupting into a "brawl". Both parties were left with no injuries but a bruised ego was definite. The activity was discontinued as one team left the activity area in a huff.
I had the opportunity to speak with members on both ends. And it was a case of "He said, She said"
However, the conclusion I can derive from the entire event is that it is quite obvious that doing form 6 does have an effect on a person's maturity and personality. Although fists were involved, the younger team did not retaliate. A simple apology could have allowed the apparently enjoyable vigorous activity to continue. (An apology from either side)
Age does play a role too, I do believe.

On a different note:
Although I have not been on the same page (to put it very delicately) with a number of people quite recently, I'd like to thank them for acting with dignity. (At least, to my face)
I've learnt a lot, even if we'll never be on the same page... bravo I say. Honestly. =)

2009-01-21T01:39:00.003+08:00

Being 19 and three quarters, you'd think that I'd be very much ahead in life in comparison to the 17 year old me. Nope.I'm exactly the same. Well, I now know a vast variety of scientific terminology in English and I'm very aware of the surrounding idiocy, but that's about it. I never found love, I didn't then and I haven't now. I never ended up looking like Beyonce Knowles (a girl can dream, can't she?) and I sure as hell do not look like the R&B supestar now. I'm not taller. I'm not prettier, nor am I uglier (I hope). I could drive then, I still have the ability to navigate an automobile. Ah, but I do have my own car now...Kuh-ching!
I basically have been in a rut since I left the school of Princesses. Geez.

Change

2009-01-04T03:20:00.003+08:00

Contrary to popular belief (oooo...) I have always had serious self-esteem problems...It's been there since I was very young actually...Let me bore you a little, alright?
Ever since I was very young (meaning, around 9 or 10 years old) I have been severely overweight. Like severely... and I have been ridiculed about it ALL THE TIME.
For instance, my primary 4 teacher calculated my weight on the blackboard in front of the whole class... when I walked into the lecture hall for a motivational speech in primary 6 I heard the whole first row go "whoa.."
I weighed approximately 91 kilogrammes when I was 13. 91!
However, I've always maintained a confident face, and a sense of humour (about everything else BUT my weight). That really got me through a lot! It helped me make a lot of friends, and a few enemies along the way... (maybe they thought I was too confident for my own good, I don't know)
After the miracle of exercise though, I can safely say that I am no longer obese or overweight, I am actually in the normal* range. I'm not skinny, but well, I came a long way I suppose. But the self-esteem issue never went away, I still assumed people thought the worst of me (inside, of course...) I'm extremely intimidated by people whom I find attractive, or well, thin. In my mind thin = beautiful.
I still do get comments every once in awhile that I'm not thin enough (to put it delicately) and it still breaks my heart, the same way it did when I was a chunky and extremely unattractive 10 year old.

But 2009 is going to be different. And it already has begun to change... Firstly, I actually, went for a full body scrub, which meant I EXPOSED MY WHOLE BODY TO A COMPLETE STRANGER!!! (please call me at 01*-602**** for further details on the matter)
I suddenly felt comfortable in a swimsuit, I didn't feel all that self-conscious. I just enjoyed a wonderful swim (my favourite activity..)
I went swimming with my guy friends today, and I wasn't at all uncomfortable.
I guess its sometimes all in your mind...SOMETIMES.
I pray 2009 continues to be this good. I love it already... and if You hear me, THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME SUCH WONDERFUL FRIENDS. I COULD NOT ASK FOR MORE!

Oh, and happy new year to the people I love, and the people who love me, as well as those who don't...whatever lah kan...forget the shit, embrace 2009. I'm lovin it, so should you! =)

J-I-W-A-N-G

2008-12-28T18:14:00.004+08:00

I've been thinking... (I've had A LOT of time for that lately) I haven't felt all jiwang in such a long time! And I actually miss it. I miss listening to some mushy lovey dovey song and just getting lost in fantasy land with the guy-of-the-moment. Sigh. Did I grow up or did I just transform into a slice of Gardenia bread lah?

I'd like to think I grew up. But it still doesn't change the fact that I miss being jiwang! I miss waiting for an sms from that someone...or a phone call. Or just listening to his voice- to you it's the sexiest voice you've ever heard. TOTAL JIWANGness!

To be honest, I haven't felt that kind of "passion" (hahahha...an overstatement) since the first real boy I was with (I had one 3 day affair, k...kinky!) Now, it's like...gosh, I gotta use my mind and not my heart. I WANNA USE MY HEART.. so syok tau.

Well, it's been ages! I miss JIWANGness. I'm listenin to Westlife right now... bagi mengubati musim ketandusan perasaan jiwangku.

BYE!

THE FINGER

2008-12-24T05:02:00.006+08:00

It's really difficult when you're always misunderstood. I mean, if it were just one or two people, it'll be fine. But when it's practically a population, you start to doubt yourself. You think, "Maybe, just maybe there is something wrong with me. "

RIGHT.

I'm sorry I'm outspoken
I'm sorry people listen when I speak...even if they don't I make sure I'm heard!
I'm sorry my beliefs differ from that of those kolot buggers in the world
I'm sorry my dad rocks and yours doesn't! Bleehhh
I'm sorry your moustache is silently eating up your face. You won't even see it coming when you're digested.
I'm sorry he loves me more than you.
I'm sorry he chose me over you
I'm sorry you chose to believe her over me. TOO freakin BAD
I'm sorry I'm 5 ft 7 and you're not. Yeah, I can wear flats any time
I'm sorry my brother and I are close. He's my bud!
I'm sorry he's my best friend. YES he's a GUY. Get over it.
I'm sorry you think you're ugly. You're probably not...stop proving that you are to the world.
I'm sorry I'm a bitch at times, you bring out the animal in me. nyahahaha.
I'm sorry you own awesome property, I don't and yet you're jealous of me.
I'm sorry I'm not as skinny as you are- I'll never be..oh wait...just watch and see. bitch.
I'm sorry I have stretch marks...it's a symbol of the weight I lost. DEAL WITH IT.
I'm sorry you're so old...age doesn't go backwards.
I'm sorry you all love me so much that you hate me.
Most of all, I'm so fuckin sorry that I'm SO NOT sorry at all.

I'm just glad I'm me and things turned out this way. Hurry on in 2009. Sashillia awaits you.

Outie biatches!

Twilight

2008-12-10T19:23:00.004+08:00

Today, I finally watched Twilight. You know, the movie that has teenage girls all over the world swooning over Edward Cullen (i.e. Robert Pattinson). The movie was pretty good actually. The romance didn't make me want to find my very own vampire boyfriend, but Edward was charming.

Bella Swann, very beautiful...but needs a little light in her life. The vampires, creatures who are supposedly undead, were way more cheerful than she was. Gosh, smile, woman! :)

And of course, the ever so gorgeous James. Ooh, he can suck my blood any day! Sizzle!

Well, this movie's gonna spark a revolution, every teenage girl is gonna be super emo *yawns* and hope a nice vampire's gonna swoop her away.

Lovestory- Taylor Swift

2008-12-09T19:31:00.002+08:00

We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I'm standing there
On a balcony in summer air

See the lights,
See the party the ball gowns
See you make your way through the crowd
And say hello
Little did i know

That you were romeo you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And i was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don’t go, and i said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I’ll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess
Its a love story baby just say yes

So i sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet 'cause we’re dead if they knew
So close your eyes
Lets escape this town for a little while
Cause you were romeo i was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don’t go and i said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I’ll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You be the prince and I’ll be the princess
Its a love story baby just say yes

Romeo save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but its real
Don’t be afraid we’ll make it out of this mess
Its a love story baby just say yes,

Oh, Oh

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you was fading
When i met you on the outskirts of town, and I said

Romeo save me I’ve been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head, i don’t know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said

Marry me Juliet you’ll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad go pick out a white dress
Its a love story baby just say yes
Oh, Oh,
We were both young when i first saw you

2008-12-09T17:27:00.004+08:00

There's a saying that's something along the lines.."if you love somebody enough, you should let them go..." It's not the exact words, but you catch the drift, yes? I think my parents are suffering from serious separation anxiety. Better yet, I haven't even left the house!
Before I begin, let me remind you that I am 19 years old (about to turn 20 in 5 months). I have never been clubbing, I have never consumed alcohol without my parent's supervision, I did FORM 6 in a fuckin' school, and I've never smoked a cigarette (not that I want to, gross).
Yesterday, I went out to watch the movie, Bolt (a DISNEY animated movie) with my friends Paul and Yusof. Afterwards, we went to McDonalds to have dinner, (the time was approximately 8 p.m.) At 8.15, I get a phone call from my father asking me where I was.
Of course, I was freaking out! I mean, my dad never calls me to question my wherabouts, added to that, HIS TONE! I was confused, but I was mostly FREAKING OUT!
So, I get into my car, Paul is there too, and rushed home. Well, I sped all the way home. When I finally got home (what seemed to be the longest journey of my life...) my dad stares at me and asks " Where were you? Why so late?!" (may I remind you the time is now 8.35 p.m. 8 fucking 35 pm!) I couldn't answer. And so I get screwed and screwed and screwed.... with Paul at my house, mind you.

I still don't get it.

separation anxiety, I'm telling you!

To my best friend

2008-12-07T22:15:00.006+08:00

I've written quite a few posts about the people in my life. The nice ones and the not-so nice ones.
This post however, is specifically for my best friend, Paul Yugendra.
We went through so much this year, most of the events could have cost us our friendship- but it didn't.

Thank you for always believing in me. Thank you for not judging my weaknesses.
You are the greatest miracle I could find in a time when everything wasn't going my way. I love you so much.

This song makes me think of us, because well, when we met, we were strangers starting out on a journey.

To the people I love so much. -_-

2008-12-07T16:45:00.006+08:00

To my best friend,

Thank you for all that you have taught me. You are everything that I don't wish to be. What you did to me, I will never repeat. What you said about me, I will never say about another. Your disease, I will never contract. I regret that I loved you so much that I am hurt to this day. I regret not speaking up with my true voice. I regret not hurting you the same way you hurt me. But I still thank you, for teaching me what not to be.

Thank you for teaching me that being silent about the hurt you feel will only eat you up. It will transform you, into something you'd never wish to be. You succeeded, to a certain extent. You tore me up and I haven't fully healed. But I will not let you win. I want you to burn. For, as much as you pretend, I am just as good. You may have changed. I do not care. I want to be free of you-for good.

To my friend,

Thank you for teaching me that it is always important to tell the truth. Thank you for showing me that thinking you are always a step higher than the rest will leave you all alone. I guess it's true what they say, it's lonely at the top. I never want to go through what you are going through right now. I pray that you will be healed one day. That is sincerely from my heart. Pretending will only take you so far. But you already know that.

To my boyfriend,

Thank you for showing my why I was right to not fall. Thank you for letting me in on your lack of intelligence, and sensitivity. Thank you for not understanding who I am, it spared me a great deal of heartbreak. I never want to be with you again, for you were a nightmare. You made me feel less of myself when the person you love is supposed to make you feel good about yourself. I never want to hold your hand or hold you close because, frankly, you disgust me. I'm glad we said goodbye.

You were never good enough I hope you know that. Everyone I knew told me I was making a mistake, but I loved you for so many years, how could I say no? Well, now I am. Thank you for goodbye. It's the smartest thing I've ever done

To my teacher,

Thank you for being so unbelievably immature. I can now cross one profession off my list. Never do I want to reach adulthood with your mentality and "wisdom". My future offspring would be cursed to inherit my mindset! Thank you for minding my business when your life was crashing down. Thank you for making my year so amazing, it was a blast! Thank you for sharing your dirty little secrets with your fellow students. Technology is indeed very educational. Thank you for understanding my relationships with others were completely platonic. Oh, I am ever so grateful!

To my brothers and sisters,

Thank you for being so polite to my mother and treating her with so much respect. Thank you for acknowledging all that she has done for you. Thank you for showing me how well you have been brought up. Thank you for showing me your how "grateful" you all are. Jealousy is a lovely colour on you. Really, blends with your roots really well.

Sincerely yours,
Theishini Sashillia.

2008-10-31T14:21:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was UBER cool, I tell ya! We had a Priory of Scion -esque party in 3 Basilian and it was a BLAST!
Tharuman baked a freakin cake which was so amazing...yum! And well, everyone just brought all sorts of awesome food. I regret ever regretting I did Form 6, even if it was only for a second. I bloody love-th St Pauls and all its inhibitants. :)

Today was the last Friday I will spend in St Pauls...which means today's prayer was the last Friday prayer I would participate in as a student there. "PLEASE OBSERVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE AS WE PRAY... ...grant us a restful weekend so we may come back refreshed. In You we trust. " SIGH!

I don't really have much to say though...I'll really miss the darn place...I kinda love it just a whee bit more than my previous alma mater... I think it's because of the school anthem lah. :)

ANYHOO... bye.

Cloning made easy

2008-10-14T14:06:00.002+08:00

I'm absolutely frustrated! (that's all my blog seems to be about these days)
So, I'm gonna flush away all the negative energy and just be cationic. (-_-)

Let me tell you what I've learned. (just at the top of my head)

There are five steps in the cloning process. So it's really not that hard to make a copy of yourself. I mean, hello, FIVE steps. Thats wayyy less than the steps taken to reach my classroom. (-_-)

First you go into ISOLATION... Then you RECOMBINE everything you have whilst in isolation. Next, you TRANSFORM into something uber cool. Then, you screen youself for any un-uber cool fragments. FINALLY... you will be AMPLIFIED. To make more copies of yourself.

Simple!

OKAY. BYE.

Britney's GORGEOUS!

2008-10-12T18:17:00.000+08:00

Buried Bitterness Resurrected

2008-10-10T17:29:00.004+08:00

She walked the halls with a smile on her face. She was blind, foolish even, to trust. She was unkind to the people who l0ved her most...thus the betrayal was all her fault. She should have stuck with the ones she loved longer, not the one she thought she liked better. For the one you trust the most will always be the one to stab you with a dagger. The lies were subtle, the tricks were swift. They were cold mean tricks, but swift nonetheless.
She froze when she found out, she had no idea what had hit her. She felt like the rug was pulled out from right under her. But she tried her hardest to forgive and to forget. She even ignored the whole incident ever occured. She did it to keep the peace, she did so everything wouldn't fall apart.
But years have gone by and she's still unsettled. She hasn't forgotten, and she's unsure if she forgave. For she found out that the story told to the majority was biased and only partially true. She wishes she had a bigger heart, but she doesn't. She wishes she was a better person than she is, but she isn't. She hates to hate, but she does. She's really sorry but she does. She wants nothing more than to never see the liar again for she never wants to feel this dark and low again.

DDLJ

2008-10-10T17:28:00.000+08:00

2008-10-08T21:06:00.003+08:00

I don't know why, but I suddenly feel the urge to ramble and rant... much like a certain classmate of mine who seems to be quite in demand right now... :D
Today was such a frustrating day! I woke up late, 7.10 a.m to be precise. "Mandi kerbau" and drove like a maniac to school. My poor car...it travelled at 90km/hr on Jln Sg Ujong. (Relatively fast in comparison to the annoyingly relaxed Seremban drivers)
Boring bits...Bio test today...I was grumpy with Paul...yada yada yada... Oh and Paul HAD to say "BYE (fill in the blank)" to two extremely...peculiar people, I should say (I'm in a good mood today) It was so funny. The confusion was PRICELESS!
Oh, since I'm rambling... I've come to realise that I am SO NOT FORGIVING, and I may actually be as mean as people perceive me to be. Oh well, might as well embrace it kan?
I don't seem to be able to let go of the things that happened ages ago! Maybe it's coz I never got a chance to speak up...(come to think of it, I was supressed you know...by the "I'm a victim" card) I can stay silent, that's not the problem. But I would like to be as far away as possible... like NEVER LET OUR PATHS CROSS EVER AGAIN. Because I hate you. I am so sorry but I think too much and I'd prefer to not be a hypocrit. Pretending may be an option for external peace...but ah, screw it!
Well, I'm off! BYEEE!

Everyday

2008-09-27T22:06:00.002+08:00

I've had so much time to think
about everyone and everything
I'm just so glad that things turned out this way
I'm so glad I get to see you everyday

And yet the pit of my stomach churns
For even it knows for what my heart yearns
Words which my lips will leave unspoken
Because to savour this miracle, something has to be broken

I wish I held you first
I wish you didn't have to feel the worst
For now no matter what is to be
I'll never be in that light for you to see

The pain is nothing, for your absence would sting worse
Being this person for you could actually be my curse
I get to give you my heart and you give me yours
But only for a specific significance, a single purpose

However, I've had so much time to think
about everyone and everything
I'm still so grateful that things turned out this way
Because I get to see you everyday

Jason Mraz ft Colbie Caillat

2008-09-27T21:48:00.000+08:00

2008-09-27T18:15:00.002+08:00

It's been awhile!

HELLO!!!

I just got a haircut...my hair is 100% natural now. Yippie! It's been ages since I'e had my natural locks you know...
I hung out with Paul before that. It was nice crappin over ice-cream...especially since we had ANOTHER argument just two days back. I don't think that surprises anyone anymore lah.

Tomorrow is Tharuman's birthday and I have to get him something cool since he's dying to be in the crowd of the lower temperature if you catch my drift.

Well, I'm really uncomfortable right now...im sweating and my bladder is full..promise i'l update in a bit.

BYE!

AWESOME!

2008-08-17T20:45:00.002+08:00

Today was an awesome day. Wayyyy better than yesterday. Met Sara after almost two months, but the great thing about Sara and I is it never feels like we haven't seen each other in a long time. We just pick up where we left off. Paul and Karthik tagged along too. We had lunch at Top Curry House. YUM! The iced morru there is to DIE FOR!
Then we visited Senthil. It was nice having almost all my best friends in one place. =)
OH but of course, Paul and I HAD to GADUH. AGAIN. Sigh... but we made up pretty quick too. AGAIN. He's so my best friend lah!

Now the fun part...we headed to Lake Gardens coz we had stuffed ourselves WAYYY too much. We saw TWO gorgeous hunks. Sara n I acted like bloody school girls...shooing Paul and Karthik away. I mean hello, the hunks might think we're taken right? One hunk...oooh, I found out his name... happened to be a friend of a friend of mine. SO GETTING THE NUMBER LAH. WHooshhh!

I love you guys la. I'm so glad we got to hang out today Sara! I miss having a girl bestie around.
And I'm sorry, Paul. I mmg love you k. Just that sometimes we both very bodoh. Karthik...dislocated arrr? :P

Where Are You?

2008-08-16T23:16:00.003+08:00

My heart has been broken more than once
And for awhile, I didn't know what to do
Now I'm ready to begin the dance
But the question is, where are you?

I tried to overcome the numbness
And for awhile I didn't know what to do
Now I want the taste of happiness
But the question is, where are you?

I picked up the pieces, I sewed them back into place
Though for awhile I didn't know what to do
Now I want to feel the warmth of your embrace
But the question is, where are you?

My eyes have stopped tearing, my lips begin to smile
Though for awhile they weren't quite true
Now I'm ready to take that first step, and walk the mile
But the question is, where are you?

I am no longer afraid, I want to leap
Though for a while I didn't know what to do
I want too fall in love right now, I don't care if I trip
But the question is, where are you?

Maybe it's too late, but I know it's not
Though for awhile I believed it was true
I know who you are and you do too,
But the question is, where are you?

TODAY

2008-08-16T21:15:00.003+08:00

I'm in such an awful mood. I feel like one of the characters from Mean Girls (minus the fact that they're all beautiful and AWARE of it...) I guess it's very frustrating when things are divided (vague, much!) People can be cruel, I just didn't know Sashillia could be this cruel. The scary thing is, I feel no remorse whatsoever. I think i must be sick. What else could it be?

Today was a day like no other. It was so UN-productive that an eighty year old woman could actually conceive. I watched three freaking movies. A Babra Streisand movie (yes, you read correctly), an old Kevin Bacon movie.."He said, She said" and The Longest Yard. The Longest Yard was good, though it isn't my first time watching it... but seeing all my fav WWE superstars in a movie was pretty exciting. Nyahahaha. I watch wrestling. Kevin Nash was so adorable...(they switched his steroid pills with oestrogen pills...really got him in touch with his feminine side)

Now I'm stuck here in front of my computer with dog fur all over my t-shirt...which reminds me, I need to take a shower... Back to the point, yep... I'm REALLY REALLY bored. And my besties stress for exams is killing me. As much as he thinks he's back to normal, HE WEIRD LAH! I feel sooooo guilty about not studying.

uh, NOT.

TOODLEZ!

When Boredom Comes Knocking

2008-08-15T20:52:00.003+08:00

peaCOCK

2008-08-07T19:40:00.002+08:00

If a peacock layed an egg on ur roof...which way would the egg roll down? East or west or south?
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Peacock where can lay egg one?

Ek-Oh

2008-08-06T19:52:00.003+08:00

Today is a perfect example of why I NEED to get out of THIS TOWN! My two best friends are in the midst of some major soap opera thing and I'm standing on the sideline..(well, desperately holding on to the sideline!)
I hate being in this position because I HATE stupidity....and all I see right now is nothing but that. Frustration, much!
I used to love watching the Bold and the Beautiful on 711, but haiz...now I have a live telecast of the "Young and the HOPELESS". The plot begins with a love triangle decorated beautifully with secrets, lies, betrayal, incestuous erotic behavior and then poof...the truth comes out! WAYYYY better than watching daytime soaps I tell you.

On a different note, Sharman thinks my blog is constipated. So, I'm attempting to diarrhoea-fy it.
I watched porn yesterday...I thought that since I'm 19, I might as well see what all the hype is about (seeing as two of my besties are boys...)
It's soooooooo unspectacular, btw. I guess thats good in a way...so you won't find me "Brooke-ing myself" anytime soon.
Oh and Paul exercises his right of having more pigmentation than I do by conteng-ing my hands and legs with his Pilot G-1 0.5 blue gel pen. ISH!
What else?
............................................................
............................................................
............................................................
..........................................................

Fuck....I have no life.

G'bye!

FUCK!

2008-08-05T17:55:00.002+08:00

Life is utterly frustrating right now. I suddenly came to the realisation that I've changed myself so much to suit the bloody environment around me. For almost a year, I shared my friends with someone I mildly disliked (although that dislike has now evolved into pity) and I just couldn't be myself. It was like the forces suppressing me came from every direction, I had no way out, but to surrender. The best people in my life had moved on to better things and I was trapped in this hell hole. I never saw it as a hell hole until now. What caused this sudden change of perception, I have no idea.
I love my new friends, and no they are not something I settled for, but my life is something I settled for. I feel so, unaccomplished (if that is even the right word). I just want more, you know. I don't know what that "more" is yet but my life right now so isn't cutting it. The town I live in....I love it to bits...but I hate it so much too. It's so un-entertaining, all it seems to do it produce gossip to keep its inhabitants busy.
Don't even get me started on my "alma mater". It's a beautiful school and I am nothing short of proud to be a student there. HOWEVER, the people there have minds smaller than a peanut. And that's an understatement. I admit, I do see things differently than most, but having a tiny mind that's closed shut is a lost cause lah. HIYOH!
Point is, I'm fucking fucking lost in this stupid place right now. I just can't wait to get out. I love the people around me. But I HATE the fuckers who taught me how to hate in the first place. I hate that I have changed. I hate that I did it for people who won't do the same for me. I hate that I'm just powerless.
I'd like to leave now... PLEASE?

2008-08-05T17:52:00.001+08:00

Good day everyone! I haven't been updating because I have died.

2008-06-13T17:29:00.002+08:00

I'm just in utter frustration right now. I'm extremely terrified about STPM which happens to be like two seconds away... and I'm FAR FROM READY. I'm just gonna walk into that exam hall and allow the Grim Reaper to claim my soul for all eternity. Goodness! That's pretty much where all my frustrations are focused on. Working my ass off and getting away to a super cool uni. Small towns are nice and all... but after awhile you start bumping into the same people. Pfffft. Not everyone are a pleasure to bump into.
And then I seem to be torn between the people I care about. Boy, that's a tough one. Especially when you have your parents on one end. The thing is, they actually made a lot of sense, which just added to my confusion. Sigh. TOUGH TOUGH TOUGH
Oh, and apparently, I'm "HARD UP". Oh wow, that was SO REFRESHING TO MY EARS LAH.

I have so many things on my mind, but no words to translate them into. FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

CHAO!

I can't seem to explain...

2008-05-29T21:31:00.002+08:00

So many words are left unspoken
Although you're right beside me
I can't even begin to explain
What is going on inside me

My voice is left to dwell within
My heart is left to accept the least
I can't even begin to explain
Why my feelings are clouded by this mist

Deep down I know it's true
My path is quite clear
However I can't begin to explain
How my heart just knows the answer

I could love you more than we'd ever need
I could be the one to drown your fears
But I can't begin to explain
Why my love for you brings so much tears

I've searched and failed countless times
I've never understood why it's you
I can't begin to explain
The depths I'd go through just to be with you

I've never fought for something I believed in
But right now I want to fight for you
I can't even begin to explain
How much I really do love you

I'd let my heart break a million times for you
I'd never give up no matter how tough it seems
But I can't exactly explain
Why I know that you're the boy, the man, of my dreams

I know that I'll love you for a lifetime, maybe more
I know that no matter who I'm with, I'll want you
But I just can't seem to explain
to you that I am the girl for you

JANGAN CUBA DECIPHER DECIPHER INI POEM TAU. WROTE THIS ABOUT 2 TO 3 YEARS AGO, AFTER MY VERY FIRST BREAK-UP. DECIDED TO SHARE IT. =)

Rambles Babbles

2008-05-10T18:12:00.004+08:00

This so a rambling- Sash style.

Some people are such losers I tell you. It's like I'm already soooo freakin annoyed that my arms aren't beautiful like Madonna's or Mariah... and along comes a bloody fool who claims my arms are "awesome" (I may have used the incorrect word...but something like that lah) So, this moron, squishes and squishes and squishes. Like ERRRRGGHH. I gotta be reminded lah that my arms are all eew-fied. SHeesh!
Today right, the cherry was so on the cake lah. He took the squish-o-drama to the next level. I'm like you mangkuk babi setan.... TICKLISH LAH.
What's so scary right.. is that I am actually almost immune to it. Like, naah, take lah.... do whatever you want. I really cannot care anymore. STUPID.

Oh yah, MUET exam today. Shit lah, I'm actually satisfied. Crosses fingers. And one of the invigilators (dunno hw to spell...) very very the pretty. Liked her hairstyle. Prolly would be sucky on me tho. Paul was checkin her out...and I think she realised. Coz I saw her give him the look like "You weird pervy minor...pffft" THAT'LL SHOW HIM. nyeh nyeh nyeh.

BYE.

CLARITY BITES

2008-05-08T12:23:00.002+08:00

Never thought karma would bite my ass this hard! Everyday's such a bumpy road, and it's especially hard for a girl who usually gets what she wants (eventually...) One day things would be amazing, but the bubble just bursts so quickly that I don't even get the chance to savour the moment. It's really a struggle to trust that things may actually go my way because the moment I start believing that the currents are flowing in the right direction, another detour crops up. FRUSTRATION, much.
What's even more frustrating than the word frustration typed in capital letters is that I actually know that I'm right. I know I'm on the right track. I know I know I know! The problem is, I'm the ONLY one who knows. And for once, I actually feel intellectually superior. (well, in this context lah...NOT MATHS. errrghh) I'm not ready to give up when I KNOW what's best for me. HOW CAN I EFFING GIVE UP? YOU TELL ME LAH. HIYO!
Karma is certainly getting a good laugh out of my personal battle right now. Goodnessssssss! Oh yeah, I can't believe I'm so sure I know what's right coz I'm usually a confused mess. Nyahahaha. Point is, IT'S NOT GETTING ANY EASIER.

ADVICE : It is not easier when things are clear. It's better in times of confusion.

DAMN THE CLARITY!

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

*sneeze* (I really did sneeze...thought I'd put it in writing)

BYE.

I'm glad I'm loved.

2008-04-27T22:05:00.004+08:00

I just wanted it to be known that I'm very thankful that I'm loved. =)

Hate that I love it

2008-04-20T10:05:00.002+08:00

I hate Form 6 because:

I miss Senthil
I miss Sara
I miss Anita
I miss Hema
I miss Shan
I miss Nevi (so far away now summore... )
I miss Pn Nallina
I miss Mrs Sim...I understood math then
I miss laughing because Shanuja tak faham the joke
I miss Anita being dramatic
I miss Sara pretending to be on Anita's side (hahahaha...!)
I miss dirty dancing in Shamin's house
I miss checking boys out with my girl pals
I miss Sara telling me there's something wrong with my taste
I miss Sara understanding my self-esteem problems
I miss Senthil and Anita crying with me when I'm down
I miss throwing on a baju kurung when I didn't shave my legs
I miss never actually hating anybody.
I actually miss Yuva
I miss watching the Form One girls develop lesbian crushes on Senthil and Jen
I miss calling Lahvee 'akka'
I miss Hema telling a joke, laughing and then saying "actually it's not funny"
I miss Nevi collapsing during Bio
I miss Senthil tumbang-ing
I miss Q-stealing with Anita
I miss dancing in the rain with Anita
I miss falling in and out of love with Roshan
I miss hanging out with Yusof in tuition
I miss how I blushed whenever I saw Akil
I miss telling Nevi how cute her cousin is
I miss talking to Roshan for 6 hours straight
I miss Senthil's hugs
I miss Senthil's failed attempts to prank me
I miss the way Paul said "it's a mole" (I didn't know him back then)
I miss the way Mr Selva says "kanak-kanak"
I miss lampu pandat luar
I miss making up words like "bedeki"
I miss watching guys stop and stare at Senthil's beauty
I miss being there to hold her tears when she needs me to
I miss putting on make-up for Anita, Nevi and Sara
I miss playing catching at the mushroom
I miss Min Lee's artwork
I miss Min Lee's jokes
I miss bugging Steph (god...so long ago)
I miss bitching with Maisarah
I miss drooling over Rafi's friendster pictures
I miss choosing the wrong guy and getting scolding afterwards by Anita
I miss crying at the thought of leaving the most wonderful people in my life
I miss the most wonderful people in my life
The last reason I hate Form 6 is because I love it. I now have Tharuman, Karthik and Paul making everyday an absolute blessing.

Happy Wappy Birthday!

2008-04-07T20:10:00.002+08:00

I turned 19 yesterday. Wow. I actually feel old. I liked being 16...and 18...now I'm 19...it's such a blah number. Sigh. ANYWAY... I had the bestest birthday ever! (despite me being upset abt turning 19)
My parents took me out to dinner the night before...I have come to the realisation that my ketahanan for alcohol is very very low. But thats another story lah kay.
The first person to wish me was SARA, my best friend! After her, the calls and smses just flooded in. I never felt so remembered! Thanks, you guys!
In the morning, the whole cake cutting ritual happened (yes, Anita...OREO CHEESE!) and I find that my dad (after buying me a freaking CAR for my birthday...) bought me a Sony Cybershot Digicam! Like am I loved or WHAT?! Mummy dearest gave me 190 bucks; 10 bucks for each year I've been born and my baby nal brother bought me two rockin' t-shirts.
To make my perfect day even more perfect, at approximately 3.30 in the afternoon, my other best friend came over. (yes, Paul..) He bought me a ginormous mug that read "World's Best Friend" (like awwww... right?) And then we caught a movie, 27 dresses. I am officially in love with James Marsden all over again!
After the movie, I met up with a long lost friend, YUSOF! Hahahahahahahaahaha. That sums it up. But trust me, seeing him after so long made the day wayyy awesome-er. =)
I pretty much hung out with Paul the rest of the time till around 9.00 pm when he dropped me home.
Thank you Paul for being so awesome-ly nice to me. Yes, I love you too. =)

All in all... my birthday so kicked ass man! I am just thankful for such wonderful people who love me. Esp when they have no good reason to.

Sometimes

2008-04-04T21:07:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I don't know why I do the things I do
Sometimes I don't realise how much I hurt you
Sometimes I just take the fact that you're there for granted
Sometimes I just need to be reminded

Sometimes I get too egrossed in everything that happens
And sometimes I don't have the strength to deal with the consequence
Sometimes I wonder why I even care
Sometimes I wish I could undo it all, try to repair

Sometimes my heart aches so much
Sometimes my spirits are just so crushed
Sometimes my world looks like its going to fall apart
Sometimes I just want to press 'restart'

Sometimes I wonder whats wrong with me
Sometimes I ponder the reason you care for me
Sometimes there's only one thing I want to do
Sometimes I just want you to know how much I love you

Sometimes you make my tears flow
But its not because you have hurt me, though
Sometimes I'm just so grateful to have you around
I'm always so blessed for this angel I've found

life.fragile.forgiveness.goodbye.

2008-03-28T21:59:00.003+08:00

Today I realised that life is so fragile. I always knew it was, but today I actually understood the depth of its meaning. A friend passed away earlier today and it struck me pretty hard. I wasn't emotionally distraught or anything, but I felt this annoying itch in my heart and soon the itch turned into pain. The thing is, I was just beginning to get to know this person. We knew each other for the past five or six years but we hardly stayed in contact. It was only until approximately a month ago that we got reacquainted. I am grieving, without a doubt, but mostly because I never took the trouble to think twice about this person all those years. I have no regrets, but I do wish I knew him better.
May your star always shine regardless of where you are. I believe you're free now. So all you have to do is soar. Rest in peace. =)

oooo

2008-03-27T23:44:00.000+08:00

oooh, my famous best friend...

refer to no. 7

http://stpaul.seremban.org/spm.html

Disappearing into oblivion

2008-03-25T18:34:00.003+08:00

I am such an attention seeker. Okay, not from strangers; but I do enjoy being attended to by the people who matter to me. However, today was a very non-existing day for me. Allow me to elaborate.
Paul, the individual who is seated to the south-west corner of the Upper Six 5 classroom (assuming that the whiteboard is North) was almost completely oblivious to my presence. What an awesome feeling ey? The CLEARLY "overworked and extremely exhausted" mamallian would rather hibernate than participate in his natural habit of exercising linguistic abilitiles (with tremendous substance, mind you) with his attention seeking buddy.
There really is no direction in this post. I just wanted to let it be known that I officially do not exist.

At least Tharuman loves me.

**There is a picture of me at the end of this post. But you can't see it coz...

I DON'T EXIST**

Rick Dees the mood uplifter

2008-03-23T12:58:00.002+08:00

Take time to realize,
That your warmth is
Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by
Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you,
no it's never gonna be that simple
no I can't spell it out for you.

If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it too.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

If you just realize what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realize what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder
Just realize what I just realized

If you just realize what I just realized

OoOoOOo

missed out on each other now
missed out on each other now

Realize, realize
realize, realize

Old is Gold

2008-03-22T22:52:00.002+08:00

Ever had an 'old person crush'? I 've so had tonnes. Ok, but then again, I'm me...I have crushes. Period.
That's not the point though. The point is, I just realised that I do in fact have a thing for older men. Not real life ones (phewww...thank goodness...) but the tv ones.
So, here's a list of the older, more mature and definitely more SEXY men I've had crushes on.

Amitabh Bachchan (trust me, the sexiest Indian man to walk the earth)
Richard Gere
Paul Johanssen (he plays Dan Scott on One Tree Hill...oo la la)
Shashi Kapoor (back in the day, of course)
George Clooney (I mean, DUH)
Charlie Sheen (player brother in 2 and a half men)
Shahrukh Khan (he so qualifies as old... but he's sexier than ever now)
Jon Bon Jovi
Nicholas Cage
John Travolta (yumm)
Richie Sambora of Bon Jovi
Isaiah Washington (Burke baby Burke)
Gerard Butler
Steve Martin (funny is sexy...seriously)
Did I mention AMITABH BACHCHAN?

So, there we go...the sicker side of Sashillia. Enjoy.

Drifting Away

2008-03-20T23:19:00.003+08:00

Look at me
I don't understand what you see
I don't understand how you can be

So precisely put together
So perfect like no other

Look at me
I don't understand why I'm scarred
I don't know how but we are

So precisely put together
Perfect for one another

Oh... why do I feel so complete?
Why do I feel like there's nothing to fill
You make me so whole
You make me want more
Oh...why do I feel this way
I'm drifting away

Look at me
I don't understand why I'm falling
I don't know exactly what I'm feeling

Look at me
I don't know how you make me smile
I don't understand why you're worthwhile

Oh... why do I feel so complete?
Why do I feel like there's nothing to fill
You make me so whole
You make me want more
Oh...why do I feel this way
I'm drifting away

Drifting far from all that's real
You make want to really feel
How perfect things would be with you
So I'm finding the fastest route to you

And all that I need to know...
Why do I feel so complete...

Why do I feel so complete
Why do I feel like there's nothing to fill
You make me so whole
You make me want more
Oh...why do I feel this way
I'm drifting..away.

=)

2008-03-07T20:06:00.001+08:00

The only one who genuinely loves me. Baby dog... =)

BROKEN

2008-03-07T19:50:00.002+08:00

The Prefect's Camp is coming up soon. Well, on Monday to be exact. I'm not all that hyped up to be honest with you. Firstly, I have a test the following Monday and I'm far from prepared. Secondly is my spirit is so broken for some reason.
I have no idea why, but I know it is. I have no enthusiasm for anything these days. My smiles are forced, and my "insanity" is a wonderfully played role. I'm not myself. I don't know what's wrong with me. And my only 'medication' to soothe the hurt happens to be the Socialmoth Application on Facebook. Like how freaking lame is that!
The thing is, I'm so lathargically dysfunctional that anything that helps will do.
I'm so broken. I don't even have a reason to be. Everyday a bit of me chips off and the pieces disappear into oblivion. How do I put the pieces back if I can't even find the pieces to begin with?
Love is so painful right now, life is so painful right now. I'm back to not letting anyone else in. I just don't want to darken their days with my stupid problems which aren't even problems.
This past Monday was possibly the lowest I've felt in a very long time. I made a choice to be okay after that but letting that choice prevail is so tough. My heart is telling me one thing while my head is a roller-coaster of decisions. I want to be okay. I'm happy in the midst of all this...I just want to be really happy, and smile; genuinely.

Good morning, sunshine

2008-03-03T00:37:00.003+08:00

The wind blew so switfly, you could almost hear a howl, if, you listened close enough. The breeze felt so refreshing, so calming that she couldn't help being thankful for well, just being alive.
In the midst of her gratitude, however, she felt a tremendous pang of pain. It wasn't physical; all her limbs were intact and working fine. It was emotional. An emotional trauma that penetrated her heart. She felt guilt, humiliation, betrayal and most of all, pure sorrow.
She felt like she was the only being in this little world of webbed confusion. She was hurt, she knew that. The reason was rather uncertain. The warmth from her flowing tears didn't help soothe the bruises. She felt helpless; so alone.

And then the wind blew again, more noticable than the first gush. She closed her eyes, and just embraced the moment. Life is amazing. She knew she was going to be alright.

Get out of my head

2008-02-24T17:39:00.002+08:00

Thoughts are flowing like rapids
I can't seem to gain control
I really don't know what to expect ahead
I just can't get you out of my head

You're in every word I say
You're in every sentence I write
I wish I could just scream instead
But I can't get you out of my head

I'm falling but I don't want to
I'm not even sure if you feel the same
Is it too soon or is it too late
I don't know, but you need to get out of my head

There's a whirlwind in my mind
And my whole world's topsy-turvy
I keep moving forward, so fast; I've lost track of dates
Please, oh please get out of my head

I have never felt this way before
It's something new, and oh my goodness it feels so true
I don't know what it is, and I don't want to wait
But you're right there, I can't get you out of my head

You're so different, you're so pure
The way I feel; it feels so dangerous
Maybe it's love, maybe it's fate
What I do know is, I need to get you out of my head

I miss you each moment
Not knowing if you feel the same
I wish you'd just take me out of this state
Oh, please, would you get out of my head

My stomach is churning, butterflies flutter
My head is spinning, it's a whirlpool in here
I never believed in true love or even soulmates
Till there was you, and you're not getting out of my head

The Unmasking Of The Witch

2008-02-19T18:29:00.004+08:00

The wicked witch transforms herself
A beautiful angel she emerges as
She has the smile that lights up the universe
And a touch so warm, you'd believe she really cares

The moon shone bright that November night
When he first laid his eyes on her
He feasted his eyes on the magnificent sight
He fell so far, so deep, there's no way he'd recover

He believes her angelic ways are heavenly
He leaves his heart at her disposal
He fails to realise that angels sometimes fall
She's now got him under her spell; he's somewhat incapable

Her performance improves by the moment
She perfects it well; every inch, every curve
Now that she has him to have and to hold
She can play the field and still bask in his love

When her mask is ripped off her pretty face
The darkness within is unleashed
Every lie, every word, every cut begins to surface
He soon understands that she's had him on a leash

May his heart be set free and his soul replenished
May she find her real "prince charming"
For being the wicked witch is not who she's meant to be
Hopefully she'll find her true calling.

Entry : February 2006

2008-02-19T18:18:00.002+08:00

She thinks about him all the time,
She longs for his touch
But right now, just a whisper of his voice
Would just ease the pain so much

She tries hard not to remind herself
of his smile, his laugh...in fact,
She wishes he knew
That all she wants is to have him back

She never shed a tear for him
She knows she has to be strong
Although he hurts her so much sometimes
She's convinced that something so right can't possibly be wrong

All she wants is to hold his hand
Have him tell her that he's here for good
But he hasn't said a word after he stormed off
She's always misunderstood

Valentine's Day

2008-02-17T20:24:00.002+08:00

This was the best Valentine's day ever. No, I didn't get a bouquet of roses like I did for my last birthday or a long distance phone call (which was so so sweet...I was in Leicester then). Instead, both my very good friends each wrote me something from the heart.
Tharuman, the cute-stuff who sits on my right wrote me the most kick-ass poem in the world. Uh-huh, YEAH! It was so nice and it was the first poem I ever got on Valentine's. So, I did have a little struggle trying to hold back the tears. THANK YOU SO MUCH THARUMAN.
Paul, the not-so-cute-stuff-but-is-becoming-more-and-more-handsome wrote me something that only the two of us would understand. SO, another round of tear battle came along. Sigh. THANKS BABI. LOVE YA TONNES. sheesh.
Oh and Glorian gave me sweets, only after I gave him sweets that is. Pfffttt.
Life's awesome again, and I'm thankful. (and stronger.)

-SASHILLIA-

Love, Theishini Sashillia

2008-02-10T20:39:00.000+08:00

Every morning, I speak to you
Telling you my innermost thoughts
Hoping that all my dreams will someday come true
Willing to give it my all, if given the shot

Sometimes I'm unsure about you, I'm sorry, it's true
It's just the insecurities deep within me I suppose
Know that I've never doubted the things you can do
As hard as it is to accept, I trust you know my purpose

Everything written in my script is unorthodox
It seems tougher, with many more storms to battle than most
Maybe it's because in so many ways I'm very much blessed
So much so that you believe I have it in me to face the worst

This is the most unusual prayer I've ever made
But I know it'll reach you anyway
Please know that my faith in you will never fade
Thank you, for just being here, and in my heart you'll always stay.

To all the haters... =)

2008-02-10T20:28:00.000+08:00

After all you put me through
You'd think I'd despise you
But in the end I wanna thank you
'Cause you made that much stronger

Well I thought I knew you
Thinking that you were true
Guess I, I couldn't trust
Called your bluff
time is up
cause I've had enough

You were there by my side
always down for the ride
but your joyride
just came down in flames
cause your deeds
sold me out in shame

After all of the stealing, your cheating
you probably think
that I hold resentment for you
but... uh-uh... no no...you're wrong

Cause if it wasn't for all that
you tried to do
I wouldn't know
just how capable
I am to pull through

so I wanna say thank you

Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Never saw it coming
all of your backstabbing
just so you could
cash in on my good thing
before I realized your game

I heard your going round
playing the victim now
but don't even begin
feeling I'm the one to blame
cause you dug your own grave

After all of the fights and the lies
guess you wanted to harm me
but that won't work any more
no more...it's over

Cause if it wasn't for
all of your torture
I wouldn't know how
to be this way now and
never back down

so I wanna say thank you

Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust; so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you'll see
YOU WON'T STOP ME

I am a fighter and I (fighter and I)
I ain't gon stop (I ain't gon stop)
There is no turning back
I'VE HAD ENOUGH

All the hot girls put your hands up and say...

2008-02-01T16:40:00.000+08:00

"Gentle reminder: This is strictly my space to say whatever the hell I want to. Read, if you wish... but if you choose to judge the material, piss off. Seriously."

I thought that as you get older, the more mature you become. Unfortunately, this assumption has proven to be quite the opposite; with no exagerration, mind you. I guess that as long as you are in a SCHOOL, drama follows you around.
I have been keeping my mouth pretty tightly shut for quite sometime for I've learned that even if you mean well, speaking up sometimes lures unnecesary amounts of faeces to your court. So, in my period of silence I've done a lot of observing, and it's pretty amazing the things you realise/discover when you simply observe.

OBSERVATION #1
Girls are so weird. Yeah, I know I am one too and I don't claim to be normal in anyway... but that's besides the point here. Girls (well the ones involved in the study...) assume and assume and assume. Then they bitch and bitch and bitch. Then they shun and shun and shun. Oh and they are AMAZING pretenders. Ah well, that's life in high school ey? The typical Mean Girls scenario. Although, in Mean Girls, the 'plastics' had their beauty...thus they could afford to be mean. Through my observations on the other hand, no one and I mean NO ONE is remotely close to being beautiful.

OBSERVATION #2
Girls are still weird. They say the most awful things and pretend to be angels (Ah yes, as I've mentioned...AMAZING pretenders) They don't seem to posses this thing called guts to confront the party (anyone, not being specific) that is causing their lives such GINORMOUS discomfort.
Girls are emotionally defective. They hurt people- A LOT. And don't have the courage to apologise or even IGNORE. Again, they PRETEND.

OBSERVATION #3
The weirdness amongst girls prevails. They don't have the ability to think for themselves. They think in a flock. (Sadly, when a flock of dumbfucks brainstorm...nothing can be gained) They try as hard as possible to avoid challenges and if one (from the flock) decides to individualise, shunning occurs. No matter how hard girls try to hide the fact that they are being stupidly unreasonable, it shows. Trust me, it does. Girls are possesive, too. They avoid the usage of the sharp side of a newly purchased eraser.

OBSERVATION #4
Girls are just weird. Girls cause intense tiredness for the parties trying to convince themselves that girls are NOT weird. They flock, they bitch, they gossip, they pretend, they assume... but they never speak up. They just generate waves of annoyance to their surroundings causing an unimaginable sense of nausea. Ehhkk.

[the results of the four observations above were penned a long time ago in a little purple diary owned by someone very close to me. some rephrasing was done. if you are offended, the author sincerely conveys this message "The world does not revolve around you"]

Ramblings

2008-01-26T23:18:00.000+08:00

THIS POST HAS BEEN REMOVED DUE TO UNFAIR CONTENT

L.O.V.E

2008-01-20T21:48:00.000+08:00

I did quite a bit of thinking today. (YES, she thinks) And I've come to realise that I've never actually been in love. Yeah, I most definitely thought I was (too many times) but they were all just super mutated infatuations. I'm not kidding.
I witnessed my best friend's heart crumble to pieces in front of my very eyes. I knew then I was never in love. My heart broke many times, yes, but they depth of *her wound was more than what I had ever endured. (Every heartbreak combined) I'd like to think that it hurt more for *her than me because I'm stronger. But God knows I'm not. I just never let anyone fully into my heart. Come to think of it, that's probably the smartest thing I've done.
It isn't worth giving your heart to someone who isn't capable of taking care of it. Why put yourself through such emotional turmoil? Especially when there is the choice of just kicking back and focusing on what's important.
I'll be very honest here, I'm actually in a very happy place right now. No, I don't have a boyfriend (I've realised that I don't need one. How I came to the conclusion is a whole other blog entry) I'm just in content with my life. I have wonderful friends, the most amazing best friends who love me enough, and of course my super awesome family. I really don't know what else to ask for right now.
[Dear God, I still want to have the sickest body anyone has ever seen.]
Unfortunately, my joy decreased a little after seeing the sorrow in my bestie's eyes. How could I be happy when *she's so sad? I just wish I could give *her what *she wants (in this case, who *she wants) so we could BOTH be happy. Yeah...I can't do that. I'll tell you what I will do though. I'll help *her pick up the pieces and all that, duh...but most importantly, I'll show *her how happiness is possible without your heart being occupied. (*She claims *she knows...urghh such a know-it-all...but I'll show *her)
So yeah, after seeing *her condition, and my other buddy's too... I've concluded that S.P.I peeps are just super emo. They're so emo that they have no clue what emo is. THAT's how emo they are. They sound like a very bad remake of a One Tree Hill-Grey's Anatomy combo. (Tree Hill's Anatomy) Like pffffttttt.

Flaws

2008-01-15T19:56:00.000+08:00

Flaws...
I seem to see a lot of them
Mostly when I turn to the looking glass

Flaws...
Sometimes they seem less apparent
But they're always there, nevertheless.

Flaws...
Seem to make up who I've become
Afraid...sad...pathetic, even

Flaws...
So many that I want to be a different person
In a different place, around different people

I'm so imperfectly put together...
Why did you choose me?
Why do you want me?
Why me?

Jiwang, much.

2008-01-13T22:19:00.000+08:00

Family's A Bitch

2008-01-01T11:11:00.000+08:00

Good day to all! It is 11.13 a.m. on the 1st day of 2008. Yup, I am awake. Miraculously.
The end of 2007 / the beginning of 2008 was I should say a little rough. It wasn't all bad, but sometimes a pinch of the bad stuff makes all the good stuff seem so distant.
Let me put this very vaguely to spare anyone any discomfort. It was tough walking into the place knowing that vultures were near. Especially when you are left guessing if or not they will strike. And if they do, how do you react? (mind you, these are extremely uncivilised barbaric vultures...)
It's even more difficult (well, heartbreaking on my part) when a familiar face decides he/she would rather not mingle with you even when you trust that person with your life. (not so much now... but at a time, yes)

I understand this post is annoyingly confusing, but bear with me...

Life's weird I suppose. I never took the line "people come and go" seriously but it has proved to be quite LITERAL in my life. The worst part is, I am so angry but I just can't do anything about it. I don't even know if there is a basis to my anger; if I'm overreacting over nothing or if I'm right.
But it just sucks when you are forced to witness people who are supposed to be (note: SUPPOSED TO BE) wise beyond MY age act like uneducated morons. If I had it my way, I'd use the tip of the heel of my VINCCI sandal and poke it straight up their asses, and ask "What the fuck happened to being grateful? Are you so stupidly retarded that you couldn't master the simple value of respect?"
I blame them for taking my friend away (but I blame you for letting them take you... ), I blame them for spoiling everything we had. However, I thank them for not being in my life anymore for they only had ill thoughts, jealousy and hate. I'm sorry you feel inferior, nobody thought you were, until now.

The Day My Life Ended

2007-12-30T00:24:00.000+08:00

THE DAY MY LIFE ENDED.

: )

2007-12-27T01:29:00.000+08:00

One day I met a boy
But we hardly exchanged words
He stuck around the corners of my life
But was barely heard

Soon this boy became a friend
We warmed up to one another
I didn't know it then
That we'd get even closer

He understands me
Even when I myself do not
He sees things the way I see
Though we disagree a lot

People often wonder
But they don't understand
That this boy now means the world to me
'Cause he is my best friend.

2008... here I come

2007-12-27T00:40:00.000+08:00

STUDY MY ASS OFF
FORGET THE PAST AND MOVE ON
REMEMBER WHO AND WHAT'S IMPORTANT
CRY WHEN NECESSARY- WILL FEEL MUCH BETTER
MAKE SURE THERE ARE ZERO DISTRACTIONS
DON'T GET STEPPED ON. NOT EVEN BY THE ONES YOU
LOVE
LOSE A TON OF WEIGHT (been on every list for the past 5
years)
DON'T COMMIT UNLESS ABSOLUTELY SURE
DON'T WANT THINGS I CAN'T HAVE
BELIEVE IN MYSELF

(in random order)

Selfish

2007-12-27T00:14:00.000+08:00

I've been doing a whole lot of thinking today. How people can be so absurdly selfish, I just don't understand. I'm not talking about a specific individual; I mean in general. How can people be selfish and not feel guilty about it? I admit, I do have moments of which "I" comes before "You" or "Them". But trust me, those are RARE occurrences.
It's true, to survive, you need to put yourself before others. Otherwise you're just being plain foolish. What about when putting yourself first is at the expense of someone who loves you? If not someone dear, someone who is more in need than you are? How do you live with yourself?
I have always been the one who puts others before me. Whether or not you realise it is due to your faulty senses. Point is, I usually try my very best to make sure others are comfortable/ happy/ alright before attending to my own needs. Even more so when it comes to my nearest and dearest. However, I just wonder about those who don't mind taking advantage of their loved ones or friends. Do you know what you are doing or are you in absolute denial?
I guess some people are just so self-absorbed that they forget that there is no "I" in "TEAM" or even "GROUP" for that matter. Maybe somebody should tell them that sometimes it's not JUST about YOU. WE matter too.

A Self Absorbed Nation

2007-12-02T22:11:00.000+08:00

Camwhoring (not a real word...YET) is no longer a trend. It's a way of life. The people of the world seem to be sharing the same hobby- producing countless self portraits; much thanks to the miracle of technology. (don't insult my intelligence by saying that you "enjoy reading" or "listening to music".)
Parties are hardly about enjoying the company, the drinks or even the music anymore. Instead, as soon as you walk through the door, out come the camera phones and digicams. And you (the spectator, not the participant) are forced to witness the sickening scenario of overly confident people whom really have nothing much to be confident about.
Yes, having confidence is in fact a good thing. But too much of it? That's an entirely different story. Personally, I really do not think much of my looks.(Ask anyone...) And so, I avoid posing ala Gisele Bundchen. However, the annoying bit is... I see girls (some as young as twelve years old) attempting "Vogue-worthy" shots of themselves. In my head I'm thinking "Oh no, she didn't!"
This paragraph is dedicated to those who are brave enough to show some skin, but seem to be unaware of the phrase "berani dengan membuta tuli".
Don't we all want to play dress up in outfits with plunging necklines and deep-cut backs? Newflash everyone. There's a reason CERTAIN people and not EVERYONE wears clothes (or lack of...) like that. No, I'm not being mean. I once weighed in at 91 kilos, so I'd be the last person to insult another full-figured individual. But sometimes the truth hurts. Watching a cow in Jessica Alba's bikini simply isn't flattering. Kudos to you for having the confidence to step out in it, but think about the rest of the world suffering from the optical trauma. Have mercy, I beg you!
Don't be mislead. Even the boys are doing it. Guys style their hair, take off their shirts and pretend to be Hrithik Roshan in 100% "Dhoom Machale" fashion. Hrithik is Hrithik because he's Hrithik. So don't bother trying.
Everyone's a camwhore. I'm not saying I'm not. I guess I've just noticed a few things. So yeah. Happy camwhoring, world! What else is there in life right?

SOMEBODY SHOULD HAVE TAUGHT HIM

2007-11-19T19:54:00.000+08:00

I went to a birthday party
but I remembered what you said
You told me not to drink at all,
so I had a Sprite instead.
I felt proud of myself,
the way you said I would,
that I didn’t choose to drink and drive
though some friends said I should.
I knew I made a healthy choice and
your advice to me was right
as the party finally ended
and the kids drove out of sight.
I got into my own car,
sure to get home in one piece,
never knowing what was coming,
something I expected least.
Now I’m lying on the pavement.
I can hear the policeman say,
“The kid that caused the wreck was drunk”
His voice seems far away.
My own blood is all around me
as I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say,
“This girl is going to die”
I’m sure the guy had no idea,
while he was flying high,
because he chose to drink and drive
that I would have to die.
So why do people do it,
knowing that it ruins lives?
But now the pain is cutting me
like a hundred stabbing knives.
Tell my sister not to be afraid,
tell Daddy to be brave,
and when I go to heaven to
put “Daddy’s Girl” on my grave.
Someone should have taught him
that it’s wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his mum and dad had,
I’d still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter,
I’m getting really scared.
These are my final moments,
and I’m so unprepared.
I wish that you could hold me, Mom,
as I lie here and die.
I wish I could say
I love you and goodbye

Retold by, Jane Watkins
Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul.

SASH d RANDOM

2007-11-11T23:43:00.000+08:00

I'm dying with a crazy stomach ache right now. I can't sleep, and I'm listening to S Club 7. They were actually good... their songs were catchy and the ballads can seriously put u in emo-mode. I'm randomly clicking away finding for something, (uhmm... anything actually) interesting. Unfortunately, this clicker has come up short. Sigh.
Lets see, I've viewed Hilary Duff pictures, Randy Orton (but of course...), sceneries in Egypt (God knows why... but yeah...) and I finally clicked on my "Sent Messages" folder in Friendster. Damn, have I had a lot of break ups. In only one year. Hahaha. Not funny. -_-
Anyway, they were all pretty cute actually (the guys...) In my head I'm thinking "Not bad, Theish. Not bad at all" Yeah well, I kinda have to get past the whole "looking good" phase. Not me I mean (duh... I'd never admit I look good kay).
Speaking of looking good... I am absolutely drool-o-ramaz over this hunkalicious guy I've known for almost two years now. I mean can you say WOW. (trust me, you'll know what I'm talking about when you see him. ooo la la )
This is called window shopping alright. Nice to see, nice to hold, once broken considered sold. HAHA. No connection but I always wanted to use that lame ass line in an entry. And so I have.
Back to hunkalicious-man-whom-I've-known-for-two-years. CRAZY HOT. VOICE ALSO... whoosh. (shit, I'm such a despo-queen... but who cares la. It's my blog.)
Another interesting event... I found an old picture of myself...camwhoring. YUCK! I was so so so so Rosie O'Donnel looking. Like OMFG! I'll put it up once my scanner's running properly. YOHHH... the HORROR!
What a random post this is huh. I enjoy typing out everything in my head without thinking twice. It's like word vomit, only better.
YOu know, I haven't thrown up in the longest time. That's good innit. At least I know I'm not preggers. (pheww, thank goodness ey Randy?)
Wow, okay... I could go on and on and on but my fingers are getting a little tired. And bored. uh-huh. So, I should "keyboard-off" now.

YOU MAKE ME SO HOT!
MAKE ME WANNA DROP
SO RIDICULOUS
I CAN BARELY STOP...

you're so good to me... baby...baby...

2007-11-10T00:10:00.000+08:00

Westlife can be so annoying man. (okay, I used to be a crazy die-hard fan...) but why the hell are they STILL re-singing songs? I mean, they were good back then... BUT YOU JUST CAN'T OUTSING MICHAEL BUBLE lah. For goodness sake. Well, thats about all that's been bothering me. Tee hee. Muax!

Diwali

2007-11-08T19:14:00.000+08:00

Today was an awesome beyond awesome day. I was just so glad that everyone I cared about was with me. Diwali's kinda the day I look forward to, since forever. For some reason, it just makes me see everything in a different light. I appreciate everything in front of me and I'm most definitely thankful for such amazing family and friends.

My dad- the most good looking/ smart man I know. I love him so much. :)
My mum- the best cook I know and the only person who understands me even when I'm silent.
Kelvesh- the best little brother any sister could ask for. TRUST ME, you may think you're brother's the best. Pffft, no way man. :)

Paul- the best friend I could ever have. He's practically family. Even my dad loves him. Love you tonnes lah wei.
Sara- my other best friend. You're the best. Beautiful, Intelligent and Witty. Triple threat baby.

Jason, Chow, Tharuman, Karthik, Jen, Jen Wei, Glorian, Jeremy, Fezaan, Firdaus, Adrian, Justin (I'm sorry if I missed out anyone)- Thank you for coming alright? You guys really made my day that much better. =)

Finally, I'd like to say, though you may not know it, there's something totally magical about festivals. So this is the time to forgive and forget and stuff. Life's just too good.

*total bliss again*

Roller Coaster Ride

2007-11-06T21:57:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I get so confused about the events that occur in my life. It's like one moment I'm in a state of bliss and the next it's utter misery. Life's indeed a roller coaster, minus the safety belts.

I've always considered myself as someone who had "ego issues". So, it's difficult for me to admit my mistakes. (well, I apologise, yes...but to convince myself that I actually did something wrong is another story) But sometimes you just gotta put the ego aside to get what you want.

The past few days have been hell for me. Yes, I smile. (as I always do. I mean how can Theishini not smile, right?) Inside I was a mess. Well, a mess would be playing things down -alot. Thank goodness he was there for me the whole time. Thanks, man. You're my angel.

I've been thinking, a whole lot. And I've come to the conclusion that I'm an amazing friend. (Hahahaha, you guys have no choice but to agree with me alright?) By amazing I mean, I know I'm doing a good job at being someone's friend. However, the trouble starts when things go beyond friendship. It's like I go on auto-shut down. I can't seem to bring myself to be 100% into it. I'm constantly, looking over my shoulder, being paranoid.

You're first is supposed to leave a more "lasting effect", be it your first love or heart break. My first heart break USED to be the reason I held back, but I've come to realise that I'm actually so over it. So, why don't things work anyway?

I guess no matter how bad I want things, I'm just not ready. Or maybe I've just been meeting the wrong people. Whatever the reason is, I'm just so tired. Tired of hoping, tired of expecting, most of all, tired of leaving my heart out to get stabbed. I'm always myself, but I guess, people don't like the real me. They prefer their perception of me compared to who I really am.

Note to you: please don't come just yet. I'm not ready for you. That doesn't mean you don't need to come ok. Come. Just not now. :)

Avril - Hot

2007-11-06T21:39:00.000+08:00

You're so good to me Baby Baby

I wanna lock you up in my closet, when no one's around
I wanna put your hand in my pocket, because you're allowed
I wanna drive you into the corner, and kiss you without a sound
I wanna stay this way forever, I'll say it aloud
Now you're in and you can't get out

You make me so hot
Make me wanna drop
You're so ridiculous
I can barely stop
I can hardly breathe
You make me wanna scream
You're so fabulous
You're so good to me Baby Baby
You're so good to me Baby Baby

I can make you feel all better, just take it in
And I can show you all the places, you've never been
And I can make you say everything, that you never said
And I will let you do anything, again and again
Now you're in and you can't get out

You make me so hot
Make me wanna drop
You're so ridiculous
I can barely stop
I can hardly breathe
You make me wanna scream
You're so fabulousYou're so good to me Baby Baby
You're so good to me Baby Baby

Kiss me gently
Always I know
Hold me love me
Don't ever go

You make me so hot
Make me wanna drop
You're so ridiculous
I can barely stop
I can hardly breathe
You make me wanna scream
You're so fabulous
You're so good to me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6inW23SxR4

You're Perfect

2007-11-03T21:35:00.000+08:00

Her heart skipped a beat when he walked through the door. She hadn't seen him in awhile. He still gave her goosebumps and the butterflies fluttered away in the pit of her stomach.
"Oh no, it's happening again" she thought to herself.
Her eyes met his for a brief second as he made his way toward her.
"God, he's perfect," she almost said.
She watched him play, she watched him run. Only one word could describe him. Perfect. Perfection is exactly what he is.
She was grieving a loss but with him in the room, every ounce of sadness evaporated in an instant.
She doesn't believe in love, so it can't be love. She doesn't believe in trust, and so it most definitely can't be love.
Infatuations last for months but the butterflies for him have been there for a year or more.
She's glad he came back, she's glad he's around. She missed him so, but he'll never know.
She's willing to put it all on the line, to get hurt, broken, ruined. She's tired of holding back.
She's just glad he's here now. She's glad he came back.